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Post Info TOPIC: omg this is a stupid problem...


Marc Jacobs

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omg this is a stupid problem...
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And it's all my fault. I posted a while ago about this prep school buddy of my boyfriend's. I worked with the buddy and he was awful. He lied. He cheated people. He ended up stealing from me (long story, but several hundred dollars) and only returned the money and pretended it had been some sort of accident when I told him I could and WOULD sue. He's also racist and horrible and the fact that my sweet boyfriend is friends with him bugs me.

They went to grade school together. My boyfriend makes no apologies for his friend. But he says they have history and he can't dump him.

Ok.

I should be able to live with that, but stealing is a pretty big trigger for me. (I was worried about paying bills already - student loans are horrendous - and my family grew up without enough to eat. I don't think I've ever been more angry with one person. Ever.)

Today I went to print my resume from my boyfriend's computer (his is the only one that hooks up to our printer). And the buddy's resume was right next to it. So I peeked.

The buddy is claiming that he did the work/projects I handled when I worked with him. Also, he is claiming credit for another girl's work too. Basically, an entire job's worth of his resume is a fake. He's applying for some VERY lucrative jobs. He's going to make money off of taking advantage of me, through my work and through this fake resume.

And my boyfriend is copy editing it. So basically the man I love is helping this jackass step all over me (again) and take advantage of people. It may not be completely reasonable, but I am as angry as if my boyfriend were doing this on purpose. He KNOWS what a creep his buddy is. Don't get involved with the damn resume!

Can I say something? And what, exactly, would that something be? "If your loser friend wants to make money off my work AGAIN then he'll have to spell check his own stuff?"

I know my boyfriend is just going to be, "But you know he's not good at this." It's like he feels so sorry for his friend for being incompetent, and thinks that justifies outrageous behavior. My boyfriend has actually said, "He's too incompetent to make a living without cheating..."

That kind of grace is what I love about my boyfriend, by the way. I just want it to not affect me! Waaa.

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Chanel

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wow. sorry to hear you're having to be around this and to put up with it! the only advice i can give you is either just deal with it since it seems like your bf wont leave/distance his buddy. or give your bf a choice.
to be honest with you, I know my husband would'nt have that type of friend, no matter what kind of history. same goes with me!
I wish you luck!


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Marc Jacobs

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I fessed up to snooping and told my boyfriend why I was upset about what I found. He said he didn't think spell checking a resume would end up hurting me (technically it doesn't, I just feel used), but he's only helping because the friend is moving to another state. Also (I knew he would say this) the friend is a moron and needs help.

So at least the guy is gone.

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Hermes

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I read this before, but didn't know what kind of advice to give so I stayed silent. It sucks that he's claiming all the accomplishments you worked on together, but congratulations on losing the jerk to another state!

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Fashion is art you live your life in. - Devil Wears Prada | formerly ttara123



Chanel

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ttara123 wrote:

It sucks that he's claiming all the accomplishments you worked on together, but congratulations on losing the jerk to another state!



Ditto!
you don't need these types of people in your relationship, or in your life period!





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Marc Jacobs

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hopefully karma will bite him in the a$$ sooner rather than later and then we can all celebrate!

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Chanel

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OMG, he stole money from you???

I think it's inevitable that people will lie on their resumes, but being found out is different. Since there's a small chance a potential employer will contact his past supervisors, you may want to make the powers-that-be aware that he's misrepresenting his experience. (And if he stole on the job, it's definitely an HR issue.) I don't accept the 'boys will be boys' kind of thinking that allows jerks like him to get away with things - particularly at the expense of people who don't have this guy's advantages or connections.

I guess him moving eliminates most (not all) of the problem, but I would be livid, and crushed, if my DH wouldn't be more loyal to me. People dump long-term friends for FAR less serious reasons than this.

Hard to advise you about what to say to BF without knowing more about your relationship...for me it would be something like, "It's hurtful to me that when it comes to (Jerkface), you haven't shown me the loyalty I deserve from a partner. I'm having trouble accepting the fact that you still want him in your life even when you know how much pain he's caused me lately. I would never have expected you to help him cheat me out of my career accomplishments and damage my professional reputation. What are we going to do to fix this situation and how will you restore my faith in you?"



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Marc Jacobs

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when you find out who his new employer is, maybe making an annoyomous call to his new HR department might result in the outcome he created for himself by lying.

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xoxo gossip girl!


Marc Jacobs

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"I don't accept the 'boys will be boys' kind of thinking that allows jerks like him to get away with things - particularly at the expense of people who don't have this guy's advantages or connections."

Preach. On. I'm so tired of this stuff being the norm.


"It's hurtful to me that when it comes to (Jerkface), you haven't shown me the loyalty I deserve from a partner. I'm having trouble accepting the fact that you still want him in your life even when you know how much pain he's caused me lately."

You're right. And so far I haven't been able to bring myself to have that conversation. I can't decide how much of my anger over this is fear (Money is huge for me). How much is wanting to control the boyfriend (he should PICK ME over jerkface, right? I know that's whiny but it's how I feel...) And then how much is just discomfort with standing up for myself.

Thanks for making me be a little more honest with myself though. Even if I don't break up with the boyfriend over this, at least I know what's going on when I get upset.



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Chanel

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Aww...(((hugs))).

Of course he should take your side over Jerkface or anyone else. In your BF's defense, I imagine he doesn't perceive this as a side-taking situation. What's unfortunate is that through his behavior, perhaps without being aware of it, he has taken a side - Jerkface's.

Earlier this year my MIL offended me twice in the course of one week, and I boycotted a family gathering the following weekend. My DH went, which hurt my feelings MUCH more than I expected. I didn't tell him not to go, it just really surprised me that he would. I felt it was disloyal. The irony is that many years ago, before we were even married, he had a big argument with his parents. He was quite broken up about it, until he came to a realization that he's a big boy now and the family he belongs to consists of him and me (and the cat) - not his parents and him.

But I think the point is that once you're an adult, you're united with your spouse/partner in a way that overrides parents, friends, etc.

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Chanel

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Listen, before you break up with your bf over his shitty friend, just remember that we all have them. Technically if you hadn't snooped, you'd never know he was lying on his resume and I'm assuming your bf would have never known either.

I'll be blatantly honest, since I always respect you for that quality, and say that if you hadn't been in your bf's business, you never would have known this thing about jerkface and it would never be an issue.

That said, I'm not an advocate of "don't ask, don't tell." I think all information is fair game, regardless of how you get it. But the fact that your bf knows jerkface is fibbing on his resume is one factor. Who doesn't lie on their resume at least a little bit? And presumably, your bf didn't know the lie was directly relating to you. So the fact that your bf was helping him with his resume, especially when he's moving to another state, is not exactly a bad thing. At worst, he's too nice. That's not a crime.

The second factor is that now your bf knows your place in the whole deal. So he has three options, as I see it. 1) He could dump his friend once and for all. From your pov, which is the only one I have, this would be ideal. But let's not forget that your bf is a man. Men are practically incapable of making a hard decision when an easy one is within reach (not to be ridiculously sexist but it's mostly true). Which leads me to 2) He could just edit his friend's resume and hope his editing skills help the friend move far, far away, therefore making everything all better between the two of you, presumably. Who can blame him for choosing this option? I can't say if I were in a similar situation that I wouldn't choose it. It's definitely the easiest way out. I mean, yeah, it might hurt your feelings but if jerkface goes away, everyone wins, right? While it's not cool to sacrifice your feelings for the better good, it might just be the best way out of a sticky situation with a jerkface of an old friend, ya know? And finally is third option is to tell jerkface that he can't be involved in the whole resume process, given how you feel about the situation. That's nice but it's also probably the best way to guarantee more drama between jerkface and you and bf as a couple. It might make you the happiest, as a gf, but it also might make you the most miserable as the gf of a bf with a jerkface friend. Do you see where I'm going with this?

So while you might not be crazy happy with your bf over his choice, he might actually be looking out for your relationship's best interest. Of course I could be totally justifying and he's just being too passive to stand up for you and your relationship. I'm just choosing to look on the bright side. : )

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Marc Jacobs

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No, you're right. And if it hadn't been jerkface's name next to mine, I wouldn't have opened a file on my boyfriend's computer. And if it hadn't been jerkface, who I hate, my boyfriend wouldn't have hidden the fact that he was helping the idiot from me.

It's a mess and I am really, really angry with both of them. The snooping is a symptom of my inability to handle the situation. His keeping things from me is a symptom both of how angry I am and how much he tries to keep the peace.

I don't know about the bright side though. The boyfriend is great but this sucks. It's not the first time he's put someone who is being a total jerk before me. He expects people to sacrifice to keep the peace, and assumes, when he pushes me in front of the ettiquette bus, that of course it's what I would want too. Whereas I don't want that at all.

I think he's about to propose, and I'm having a bit of a moment. On the one hand, it makes me smile every time I think about him. I love him and at odd times I find myself thinking, "That would be great for when we have kids..." that sort of thing. I'm totally gone.

On the other hand, I'm totally gone for someone who will disregard my feelings in favor of people I don't value at all. And I'm not handling this trait of his very well.

I think I'm just going to sit on it. Not talk about it with him. Just let it all settle a bit and see how things are when I'm not stressed and angry. (Or if I am unable to let this go). Either we'll be farther apart and that's it. Or we'll be closer and jerkface won't matter.

- One thing, it was NOT on the level of "everyone puffs up a resume..." He took credit for things I did. In a business where you turn in your resume as part of a project bid. Two people claiming to have done the same thing would be a big, big deal. If I hadn't found this, there's a chance (admittedly slim) that the guy could cost me a job down the road.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 03:35, 2008-08-23

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Marc Jacobs

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No, you're right. And if it hadn't been jerkface's name next to mine, I wouldn't have opened a file on my boyfriend's computer. And if it hadn't been jerkface, who I hate, my boyfriend wouldn't have hidden the fact that he was helping the idiot from me.

It's a mess and I am really, really angry with both of them. The snooping is a symptom of my inability to handle the situation. His keeping things from me is a symptom both of how angry I am and how much he tries to keep the peace.

I don't know about the bright side though. The boyfriend is great but this sucks. It's not the first time he's put someone who is being a total jerk before me. He expects people to sacrifice to keep the peace, and assumes, when he pushes me in front of the ettiquette bus, that of course it's what I would want too. Whereas I don't want that at all.

I think he's about to propose, and I'm having a bit of a moment. On the one hand, it makes me smile every time I think about him. I love him and at odd times I find myself thinking, "That would be great for when we have kids..." that sort of thing. I'm totally gone.

On the other hand, I'm totally gone for someone who will disregard my feelings in favor of people I don't value at all. And I'm not handling this trait of his very well.

I think I'm just going to sit on it. Not talk about it with him. Just let it all settle a bit and see how things are when I'm not stressed and angry. (Or if I am unable to let this go). Either we'll be farther apart and that's it. Or we'll be closer and jerkface won't matter.

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Chanel

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About to propose? Woah! That's huge! Whether he does or doesn't (or what you say), it's totally awesome that you guys are doing so well, disregarding the above sitch, of course.

I can sympathize with your problem a little bit in that my bf and I occasionally have issues with him expecting me to be "well-behaved" and, well, I'm just not. And if I feel too much pressure to "behave," I get incredibly socially awkward, which is no good either. I really resent public behavioral expectations - not that I'm an ogre or anything. I'm quite delightful actually. wink.gif This is a long way of saying that he would very much like me to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace, but that's totally not my style. I'm not even certain I could do that if I tried!

All of that said, I'm huge with loyalty. I'm very loyal and I DEMAND and EXPECT loyalty from those I consider friends and loved ones. It's not an option. And while I don't insist that the bf choose me over hanging out with his guy friends, for instance (not that kind of loyalty), I do insist that he choose my side in an argument/situation I feel strongly about (assuming there aren't moral or ethical complications). And if some guy stole from me, I don't care what kind of friend it was to him, unless I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, he's on my side 100%. I'm an all or nothing kind of person. That sounds a bit demanding but I give it 100% in return. I dislike people who treat my friends/bf badly waaay more than they dislike them.

I'm rambling now but I'm trying to say I sympathize completely. But if you two do decide to get married or think about getting married, y'all will definitely have to come to terms with this issue in some which way.

Good luck with working out your feelings on this.



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Marc Jacobs

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great advice as usual from blubirde. here's the deal diz--I think this resume thing is more of a straw that broke the camel's back type thing for you, not necessarily a big deal in and of itself. hopefully jerkface will be gone and stay gone and this loyalty issue w/ the bf won't present itself again. but if that's too much to hope for, then next best thing would be a more clearcut right/wrong type of situation where it will be obvious to even the most objective bystander that the bf should have your back. at that point, if he still chickens out then we'll really have to talk about having to talk about it.

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Chanel

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Dizzy wrote:
- One thing, it was NOT on the level of "everyone puffs up a resume..." He took credit for things I did. In a business where you turn in your resume as part of a project bid. Two people claiming to have done the same thing would be a big, big deal. If I hadn't found this, there's a chance (admittedly slim) that the guy could cost me a job down the road.




This to me is SUCH a big deal, since it's your reputation and your livelihood. I'm willing to believe that BF isn't privy to how important resume credits are to you, but you know, and this complaint is intellectually valid. Given that you have financial fears etched in your psyche, which I totally relate to, it's emotionally valid as well.

But I don't mean to egg you on, and I think the comments above from Esquiress and Blubirde with the flavor of "wait and see if this is a big deal" are worth heeding - hopefully not in a passive-aggressive, harboring ill feelings kind of way. Maybe say your piece and move on, dot org, until further notice. Or something.

 



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Marc Jacobs

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Maybe I am late in the game here but why is BF still friends from a guy who stole from you?

Its not a matter of "oh I dont like him choose me instead"... its a matter of extreme disrespect that your bf is condoning by being friendly with the guy... maybe there's more to the story though

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Marc Jacobs

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It's been settling down, now that I'm making a conscious effort (more or less successfully) not to let this affect us right now. The boyfriend is really, really a fabulous fit and being with him makes me so happy. We'll see where it goes, but I think it's turning out to be not as awful as I thought.

Thanks for all the advice :) It helped to bounce things off you girls.

PS - Xtina - they've been friends since childhood, the parents are friends, this guy has always been a jerk, the boyfriend didn't think he'd be a jerk to me but when he was, the boyfriend was kind of like, "Well, yeah. That happens." Whereas I was, obviously, pretty freaked out. The boyfriend has an outsized sense of loyalty to absolutely anyone he knew before the age of 12. It's kind of freaky.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 19:00, 2008-08-28

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