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Hermione · Kate Spade

jealousy?

Kelly · Hermes

I'm usually not the jealous type at all - to the point where my ex would actually get mad at me for not being jealous because he felt like it meant I didn't care. That's not what it meant - I guess I always just never really had trust issues (which is stupid on my part, considering my exs' trustworthiness track records), and I have a lot of close guy friends so it would be hypocritical of me to be jealous of my boyfriend hanging out with any girls. And I've never really had a boyfriend dumb enough to flirt right in front of me.

I know several of my exes were jealous of my doing different things (my best friends are two guys, one of whom is an ex who I was with for quite a while), but honestly I never let it stop me from doing anything I wanted to do. I mean, even though I knew my boyfriend was jealous I would still hang out with my guy friends. And this sounds horrible, but they knew that they couldn't and shouldn't stop me (I just said it very bluntly) so I guess it didn't affect me too much. I think my theory is, if you're so jealous of something I do that you leave me over it, then we weren't very well matched to begin with. I wouldn't stop hanging out with my guy friends for a new boyfriend, and if I've been with someone a while I should hope that they understand me well enough to know that nothing is going on with said friends.

But for some reason with my current BF, there is one girl that I am really jealous of. It's such a long screwed up story (I actually typed it out and then decided no one would want to read that garbage, so consider yourself spared) but the point was, every time they hang out or talk I'm so consumed with jealousy that I can barely stand it. And I hate it, because this is the opposite of everything I've ever been and ever felt while in a relationship. And I almost feel like I don't know how to react or handle this jealousy since it's something I've never really experienced. And since I've been on the receiving end of a jealous boyfriend and know how ridiculous and frustrating it was, I'm trying to tread very softly and really think through everything.

But despite all that, I still think I'm less jealous than many women - he goes off for weekends to visit and stay with female friends and I have no problems with it and I expect him to be OK with my doing the same thing. And most of his friends are girls (most of mine are guys) and I'm not a bit jealous of any of them but just this one.

-- Edited by ttara123 at 00:38, 2008-08-04

-- Edited by ttara123 at 00:40, 2008-08-04

blink · Coach

I think a little bit of jealousy from a man feels good, as long as he still respects that his girl is going to do what she wants and still trusts her. My DH never acts jealous, he's overly secure, doesn't even blink an eye when a guy flirts with me at a bar right in front of him. I have never been jealous of anyone with DH, though I have told him that I thought "friendship" with so-&-so was inappropriate, I wasn't feeling threatened so much as feeling disrespected. That's very different than jealous.

I personally do not like to show jealousy because I don't like to "chase" a guy and I have found in the past that it is a big turnoff for a lot of the kinds of guys I liked. Not saying every guy is this way... I am sure some guys probably need a little reassurance that their girl cares and therefore actually like when she acts jealous. These kinds of guys just never asked me out so I don't know about that, but I think that's better than a controlling jealous guy for sure!

I have also learned to trust my gut and call out behaviors that I believe are inappropriate, we women have radar brains (sometimes it makes us paranoid) for deception, we are better than guys are at picking up facial nuances, better at noticing when a person might be up to something...I don't call that jealousy though, I just think that's an upper hand that we have when it comes to what we will and won't put up with from a guy's attention to another woman. We can observe for ourselves, then decide if something is romantic in nature, whether a guy tells (or knows) or not.

But back to the topic...If someone is severely jealous, I don't know how a person turns that personality aspect "off," so I would say they probably can't change.

Elle · Hermes

I don't ever recall feeling jealous in a relationship. Ever. I guess I just don't see the point - if something is going to happen or someone is going to cheat, being jealous before hand isn't going to make it feel any better. If something happens and you find out, be pissed then when you have the right to be, ya know?

On that note, I find jealousy in a parter to be a huge turn off. To me it just seems so childish! I also don't really care for what it implies IMO - that I'm vulnerable to the random masculine charms of those around me, and could be 'stolen' at any moment. And if I'm a willing participant in the jealousy-inducing behavior, then the relationship has bigger problems!

If someone is in a relationship and something occurs that would truly justify jealousy, they should seriously consider leaving that relationship. I personally find all other kinds of jealousy to be BS.

Kincali · Dooney & Bourke

I agree with Blink on this statement "I wasn't feeling threatened so much as feeling disrespected."

When my guy was bartending at night to make extra money, I would sometimes go up and sit at the bar to visit him. He is a cute guy, so of course girls would hit on him left and right, I would have too if I was single:) If anything I would blush and get embarrassed for them when he would turn them down, they didn't know his gf was sitting right next to them lol!

It was the ones that when he would say oh I have a gf, they would say that doesn't bother me. Well skank, when I smack your head against this bar it will bother you;)

I think over jealous people are ones that have been hurt before and have trust issues. I think it can be something worked through, but if it is a relationship that has already been torn by cheating, it is hard to ever get that trust back.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

fairlight wrote:
It was the ones that when he would say oh I have a gf, they would say that doesn't bother me. Well skank, when I smack your head against this bar it will bother you;)

Lol lol lol, I absolutely love this line, fairlight you are too awesome.

Ok here's my take on it:

I used to have a very jealous bf. When he acted jealous, I just shook my head and told him he was crazy because at the time I was so crazy over him that it was hilarious to me that he would think otherwise. We broke up for different reasons but now that I look back I recognize all of the controlling behavior that were part of his jealousy issues and I'm really glad I'm not in that relationship anymore.

I've also been the jealous one. I've literally seen RED when a girl has even dared to talk to the guy I was crushing on--not even going out with, mind you. And it all stemmed from the fact that I just didn't know where I stood with this guy. And now that I have a better idea of that, all the jealousy over random girls has pretty much dissipated. The saga's still definitely in the to be continued stage though so we'll see.

But I'm definitely with blink and fairlight on the disrespect issue, and really I think that's where the heart of the matter is most of the time. There's a subtle but very important distinction between feeling jealous and feeling disrespected. For example, if my husband/boyfriend is flirting with some girl, it's not so much her I'm jealous of as it is him I'm hurt by. In that situation, he's not giving me the respect I deserve as his girlfriend, and he's effectively belittling my place in his life. That is just not okay with me. And if he tried to deflect and accuse me of being jealous when I called him on it, I really hope that I would see that behavior for the diversionary tactic it was.

-- Edited by esquiress at 22:43, 2008-08-04

Suasoria · Chanel

I think there's some great comments and insight here. Based on my experiences, chronic jealousy is a symptom of an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship. Maybe that person can change, maybe not, but one wouldn't want to stick around to find out.

Currently I don't feel any jealousy on DH's account. (Sometimes I fake a little just to stroke his ego.) DH comes across as a quiet, bookwormy kind of guy and was never much of a ladies' man in his youth, so the idea that chicks might dig him is kind of a novelty for him. He's been guilty of a few episodes of jealousy that are completely irrational IMO. I don't like it one bit. How could he doubt me, with all I put up with from him?? Geez louise.

When I was in my early 20s I had a relationship where jealous, possessive behavior was typical of both of us. We interpreted it (incorrectly) as passion. I probably did some things simply to make him jealous, because I regarded it as proof that I was his whole world, and I was so insecure within this relationship I needed to manufacture that feeling.

I've also been with people where I guess I was jealous of someTHING but not someONE - the ex who loved his work more than me, for example, or the demanding, needy family that monopolized another ex's time. But similarly, there was dysfunction, and these relationships obviously didn't work out!

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

For me, I am not normally jealous because I trust my DH 100%. He has never given me reason or cause to distrust him, therefore I dont get jealous. It helps that he is very respectful to me, and never flirts with other women, or for that matter checks them out. He never makes innaporiate comments like "wow she is hot" or anything of that matter.

I assume the same goes for me with him. He is not jealous either because I dont give him reason to be, I find that flirting with other men for me is a total turn off because of my loyalty to my husband. Although we have had a few situations where someone hit on me while we were out and he wanted to kill them... but I thought that was kinda sweet.

I really feel it depends on the couple, and your history with each other.

lynnie · Chanel

AllieGurl wrote:

For me, I am not normally jealous because I trust my DH 100%. He has never given me reason or cause to distrust him, therefore I dont get jealous. It helps that he is very respectful to me, and never flirts with other women, or for that matter checks them out. He never makes innaporiate comments like "wow she is hot" or anything of that matter.

I assume the same goes for me with him. He is not jealous either because I dont give him reason to be, I find that flirting with other men for me is a total turn off because of my loyalty to my husband. Although we have had a few situations where someone hit on me while we were out and he wanted to kill them... but I thought that was kinda sweet.

I really feel it depends on the couple, and your history with each other.

Hehe. I think a little jealousy can be healthy and is completely natural. Not scary "I own you" or "I don't trust you" or "I'm insecure" jealousy. Just knowing your bf/gf is a catch and wanting to be protective of it. Also, I have to admit, whenever I've been on the fence about a guy and seen another girl go in for it, I'm much quicker to snap to action and not take it for granted.