STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I feel, I hear, I relate, I know.

Apparently there's an invisible field around the dishwasher that only I can penetrate. DH cannot put a dirty dish inside it, nor can he remove a clean dish from it.

Household chores are right up there with money and sex on the list of what couples fight about. What I don't know is how to fix it definitively. Our marriage counselor told us to make specific requests - ask, "would you do this, that, etc." If your partner is giving you head games, you prompt them by saying "are you making a request?" so they'll speak their mind.

I don't feel good about hiring household help, but in your case it could be $50 well spent every few weeks.

One question: do you have an honest-to-god workspace? Like a home office area that you can camp in when you're working? Having a certain place where you go when you need to work could help him understand that you're off-limits to his trivial needs.

I think it's a common misconception that people who work from home "work" from home. Which drives me batty! When I have turned down someone for going out or whatever to say I need to do stuff around the house they're like, "uh, haven't you been at home all day?" Startup businesses take so much work with little payback to get the momentum going to the point where hopefully they'll be lucrative.
There are lots of reasons, including your boyfriends' actions, why you should create a clearly defined work area - I know you'd love a studio, but if that's just not a possibility right now, you just need to make your desk and the area around it "work.
Like when you are there, you're "at work." It might be easier, like Suasoria said, for your boyfriend to realize you are doing real work if you separate that area and tell him if you are there that's what you are doing and to please try to not disturb you unless it's important.

There are a couple other reasons you should do this though:
a) It can get really stressful when your apartment starts to feel like work because you do much of your work there. To give yourself some peace of mind, if you clearly define your work area, those feelings can be "relegated," in a way, to that corner, or wherever it may be. It's along the same line of thinking that people shouldn't do much in their bedroom besides sleep (and, well, you know) because ultimately the bedroom doesn't invoke the relaxing feelings that it should as a room to sleep in. (I've read about this alot because I have sleep problems) So even if you don't realize it, it's probably stressing you out some to not have just a "work" part of your apartment.

b) If you can clearly define the limits of your work area in your apartment, guess what! Measure that area, find out what percentage of your apt it is, and, Voila! Tax deductible! I'm not even kidding!

So, I know you want a studio, and you probably have an apartment that might make it a little difficult to separate an area, but if you can do it, it will help in some big ways. I had to rethink the arrangement of my living room (there are only 2 rooms in my apt) to separate my workspace. and I think it has helped alot. It's pretty fuzzy but I'm posting a picture so you can see how I made mine a "separate area" within my living room." 






-- Edited by Hermione at 11:35, 2008-07-20

thanks!  My desk is one of my best buys to date - I walked into west elm to see a lovely 75% off sign sitting on this beauty - I paid 74.75 for a $299 desk.  It's a floor model but there were just some very tiny marks near the feet (which I would do on my own soon enough anyway)
I don't know why it was on sale - it's still a current model that they are selling now! 

Anyway, that area sounds perfect for your workspace - I wonder why your bf doesn't want you to use it?  Anyway, once you explain to him your NEED for a workspace, maybe he'll get it.  I don't know if there's more to the story, but seems pretty selfish for him not to, especially if you guys aren't really using it right now.

That desk looks perfect for an arty/ craftsy person!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We just had another fight a few minutes ago because I'm working and he came upstairs and said, "Okay, you're done. Stop it. We're unloading the dishwasher now." WTF????

oh man kenzie, that sucks. I can't do much but reiterate what everyone else said - you need your own work space. Not that we have to tell you that of course, but it is insane that your BF can't see it and it is selfish that he wants to keep that aquarium, chair, and small table setup instead of something actually useful and good for you! I think it's hard for him to see home as a place of work, because it's not to him. So he doesn't understand that you have to build boundaries in your life at home and he doesn't.

You could get some big bright red shirt that says "I'm working!" and tell him that if you're wearing it, assume you are "at the office" and unavailable for housework problems right now. I know it's childish, but I'd be tempted to do it anyway

You have a lot on your plate and he's not really required to agree with your separation of work and home, but he is required to go along with it and let you do that.

DH and I fight about this all the time.  He is great at cleaning while he goes, but he isn't actually home that often.  I am admittedly not a natural at cleaning as I go, I need to give myself reminders so I don't get sidetracked.  It's hard.  But I get very irritated that DH expects me to prioritize cleaning the same way he does, it's really annoying as a fully capable adult to be told when to clean up by a significant other.

My best suggestion is to create a schedule so that instead of interrupting you during your off-limits work time, you can have it already planned, for example, that the dishwasher will be run every night before bed...emptied every morning, whatever it is.  That way, he can only "legally" nag you at that designated time, not just when he notices it and decides it's time to clean.

flylady.net is a great resource.

You might also try putting up room dividers/screens between your new work space and the living room. My bf works from home and has a hard time not working in non-work hours (he's a workaholic), so he's getting room dividers to block off the space when he's not using it. You guys could do that or you could even block off the space when you are using it for a little privacy.

One good this is that he's not a total pig and does manage to clean up after himself around the house (picks up his clothes, books, etc) and doesn't expect me to all that. But, he seriously reminds me of Danny Tanner (from Full House), chasing me  around with a dustbuster. I'm not even that bad! I just have other priorities other than getting one little spoon out of the sink or unloading the dishwasher. If I'm working, I'm working and I'll get to the housework eventually. He thinks it needs to be done immediately. At least he cooks me dinner a lot. But yeah, he is being unreasonable about the working at home situation. I'm ready to tear my hair out.




-- Edited by kenzie at 11:55, 2008-07-22

Have you sat down and had a talk with him about this?

I live with my boyfriend too and he is so messy! Plus, he is a pack rat. While I am not clean freak, I like the place to be presentable and organized. I had big problems with him when we first moved in together in regards to me doing everything as far as housework goes. I had to tell him repeatedly to step up to the plate. I finally got so annoyed that I just stopped doing some of the chores until he got the hint. Things are much better now and he does help alot more. However, I would prefer he be more organized but I have learned to reach a compromise.

Good luck!