STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

katya · BCBG

boyfriend wants to move now...long

lsubatgirl · Gucci

I don't know what type of treatment he is undergoing but he needs to be going to AA meetings on a regular basis and seeing a psychatrist on at least a monthly basis for bipolar. That is a serious mental issue if it is not treated properly (my brother has it). His medicines are probably not working, not the right ones for him, or too low/high a dosage if he is still depressed or he isn't taking them which can send him into an episode and possibly a trip to the hospital. I would tackle that issue first and then talk out the moving issue when he gets home.

katya · BCBG

you're right. He doesn't have the $ to go see a doctor, and therefore has no meds. When he was taking them (over the summer and into late fall), he was a zombie. He's is a really outgoing hilarious guy, but on his medication, he didn't even smile. He would fall asleep all the time, and even when he took them early in the evening (like 7 or 8 pm), he was really out of it at work the whole next day until it was time to take the pills again. And when he told his doc this, they INCREASED his dosage (which made him worse). I'm kind of wary of the doc he went to see. He was referred by the hospital, but he went to visit with the doctor for only 30 minutes, they diagnosed him and gave him pills. It seemed a little too quick of a diagnosis to me. And he only fits a few of the symptoms of bipolar. Personally, I think he just needs something for depression, but what do I know, I'm an art student.
Thanks so much for your advice!

lsubatgirl · Gucci

Well the thing with bipolar is that you can have symptoms of depression and still be bipolar. Only like 10% of the people who have bipolar are manic the majority of the time. From what you were saying about him it does sound like bipolar.

The medicines are funny. There is a level where it is all fine and above or below that level you are a zombie or raving. A lot of the time you have to start off on a high dosage and once the doctors see it work and you are calmed down they can start cutting it down until you are at the ideal dosage and acting normal again.

If nothing else ask him to see a doctor or find a support group in the area for you to go to so you can see how to help him. It will help you both.

Elle · Hermes

This is just my opinion so feel free to discard:

The 'place' he lives is not causing his alcoholism or bi-polar disorder and therefore moving to a new place will not cure either one. It seems very strange to me that you have been dating and living together for that long and he sees nothing wrong with moving very far away on his own when you are unable to follow.

He does need to get better, but the way to do that is through medication and therapy. Even taking into account his health issues, he is still being selfish in your relationship by making this decision without you - it affects you just as much as it affects him! If he is making life-altering decisions with little regard for you now, I would expect him to do so again in the future. There will be alot of big decisions to be made down the road, and my fear for you is that if you ever disagreed on one of them he would do what he wanted anyway, even if that meant doing it without you.

honey · Gucci

some thoughts...

i think you should be honest with him and tell him that you aren't thrilled with the idea. regardless of the outcome it's important that you express how it makes you feel.

you said you were both battling depression. are you seeing a therapist? if not you should definitely see one too. if you are maybe you can ask your dr to see your bf or for a referral for another dr for him to see.

as far as the move...not to discredit modern science, but circumstances can really play a big part in how you feel. i went through periods where i was very depressed and i'm sure that if i'd gone to a dr. they would've doped me up and sent me on my way. i didn't need medicine b/c my depression was entirely due to my circumstances, and once those changed, i was and am a much happier person. medicine is great, but it sounds (w/out knowing the entire scenario) that a change might be what you both need. if he does decide to move you should make it contingent (i hate to use that word, but i can't think of another one) upon him seeking treatment in seattle, and really working on his issues so when you get there you can both be happy and healthy.

anyway i do hope it works out for the both of you.

-- Edited by honey at 21:08, 2005-01-19

halleybird · Hermes

I lived away from my husband for 5 months while he was finishing school...it was hard but not impossible. Your relationship can survive it.

I know several people who are bipolar, and I feel for you -- it is extremely difficult to deal with. I do disagree with LMonet, though. Sometimes, a change of scenery, of job, etc. can be very effective for someone with this disorder, provided they have a strong support system and seek therapy. If his brother is supportive and aware of his condition, it could be very good for him (as long as his brother doesn't encourage the drinking, etc.). H

Also keep in mind that those with bipolar can search for years for the right dosage and type of medication. And there are different degrees of bipolar disorder -- it isn't all the kind of whacked-out up-and-down cycle you see on TV. I can share some of my experiences if you want, just PM me.

Good luck.

katya · BCBG

I just wanted to thank all of you who replied. You guys give such great (and varying) advice, and I really appreciate it. It's nice to hear the opinions of people outside the situation. You all said things I've been thinking, but didn't want to admit. Thank you so much!

k

Elle · Hermes

quote:
Originally posted by: halleybird
"I do disagree with LMonet, though. Sometimes, a change of scenery, of job, etc. can be very effective for someone with this disorder, provided they have a strong support system and seek therapy. "

Okay - I re-read my post and found I didn't agree with myself either, so let me rephrase:

What I intended to say was that bipolar disorder is an interior disorder - originating from within the body and not necessarily brought on by ones circumstances. I can completely understand how a change of scenery would help someone cope with this condition, but it can't be expected to cure it or to take the place of therapy and/or medication. It sounds like your bf could be doing this out of desperation/frustration - like he's in "I just gotta get out" mode. I would suggest having a serious discussion with him about this, including his specific motivation and what he thinks moving is going to accomplish.