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Kelly


Hermes

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nevermind
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deleted because this topic is so old and kind of personal, I figured no one would care if I deleted it :)

-- Edited by ttara123 at 14:21, 2008-09-25

-- Edited by ttara123 at 14:21, 2008-09-25

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Fashion is art you live your life in. - Devil Wears Prada | formerly ttara123
ico


Dooney & Bourke

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RE: Was I wrong? (long)
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I am probably not the best person to give opinion on relashionships now, but for what it is worth...

No, I don't think it was a mistake for you to ask him. Porbably, text was not the best way, but that was the only means you had at that moment, and I do understand the urge to know and be reassured that everything is ok right. at. that. moment.
I would not be happy with his reply, either. He could have said no, somply.

The only advice I can tell you now (as difficult as it can be) is wait 'til he's back without trying to reach him, and when you guys meet, talk to him. Tell him everything, explain, but ask for an explanation from him to.

You don't need to be angry or worried, try to be calm and state your point the clearest possible way. He won't feel the need to become defensive, so I am sure you guys will "fix" everything (not that I think there is anything really to fix, since it was really just a small detail you both got stuck on).

That's all I can suggest... hope you solve this soon!
:)

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ILoveChoo


Hermes

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I'm going to be honest with you... I can see why he'd be upset. Based on the "weirdness" of the comment, it sounds the the guy was just trying to say that they look cute together, not that they're actually a couple! I would maybe have said something jokingly about it to the bf, but i don't think it warranted a text.

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D


Hermes

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hmmm... Well, I'm trying to turn the tables here. Lets say you were in a tagged myspace picture with another guy and that comment was made... and he asked about it.  Do you think you would be defensive and insulted? If that were me, and I was honestly not involved with the other person, I would be reassuring and probably be laughing vs. angry.  So that's what's striking me with what you said - the fact that he's defensive, angry and turning the tables on you.  He's trying to deflect fault/attention toward you.  I like to call this technique of lying a "mindf*ck."

Again, just my take...


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Aurora


Marc Jacobs

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Hmm. I don't think you were wrong for asking but the delivery and subsequent "discussion" that followed was not the right way to go about it. I probably would have casually asked in a phone discussion or while yall were out and about that way the light/carefree-ness of the question could have been conveyed and you could have watched his body language as you asked the question and as he replied.

I would try to calm down so that you both can talk about it on Monday.

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Cortney1982


Chanel

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I don't see why he should have to explain himself to some random comment somebody posted, I could see why he would be upset that you had the need to ask.

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BellinaJessica


Kenneth Cole

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I have to agree with D. People who are not guilty don't usually react so severely. I'm not saying he is guilty but in my experience when someone reacts like that I assume I've touched on something and they are not 100% innocent. I have not been wrong yet.

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luckylily


Gucci

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D wrote:

hmmm... Well, I'm trying to turn the tables here. Lets say you were in a tagged myspace picture with another guy and that comment was made... and he asked about it. Do you think you would be defensive and insulted? If that were me, and I was honestly not involved with the other person, I would be reassuring and probably be laughing vs. angry. So that's what's striking me with what you said - the fact that he's defensive, angry and turning the tables on you. He's trying to deflect fault/attention toward you. I like to call this technique of lying a "mindf*ck."

Again, just my take...


Ditto this.  Honestly, when I read the first part of your post, I thought it was a bit much that you even asked about it, BUT...the fact that he is so defensive and tried to turn it around and make you out to be the troublemaker would be a red flag to me.  I'm further troubled by the fact that he'd ignore your calls/texts until he's back in town, which to me shows a bit of relationship immaturity.

 



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Suasoria


Chanel

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I think you both overreacted and these overreactions probably fed off each other. There was nothing about that comment that should make someone suspicious IMO. It seems odd that he would be close friends for 10 years with someone, and it would take you almost a year to hear about her though.

My take on it is shame on you for the way you decided to bring it to his attention (paranoid text message at 1 AM when he's away on a trip), and shame on him too for laying into you about your perceived character flaws like he did.

I believe you should drop it, with the knowledge that what your ex-BFs have done in the past has no bearing on him. If he can't drop it likewise once he gets back to town, then he's got some sort of issue. I wonder if he's been in the middle of "online comment dramas" before!

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Kelly


Hermes

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Thanks, everyone. Like I said, I felt dumb bringing what is really a smaller fight to you all, but sometimes without good girlfriends where I live, I feel like I'm going crazy without having someone to bounce things off of every once in a while and calibrate my crazy meter. And everyone I do try to talk to usually agrees with me and I suspect that they do that because they think that's what friends should do, and not because they really do agree.

I called him and he didn't answer, so I left a voicemail saying that I was sorry I brought the subject up in a random text at 1am, and that I knew it was insulting and accusatory. And that bringing up my history in a text message was especially dumb, and I was sorry I didn't do that in person where I could emphasize how little my past is really influencing anything with us. And that really, I shouldn't have brought it up at all but that I was trying to say that texting him like that was out of character and it was likely just a product of my day's reflections.

I did say that we still needed to talk about it though, and that I hoped he would call me back this weekend. Because you girls are very right - I overreacted, he overreacted, and it just exploded when it could and should have been a small thing (if anything at all). But the fact that he skipped over the part where we addressed my concerns and jumped right to the part where he reacted so violently, even if I was wrong in being concerned, is unnerving. And even if I'm being stupid in the future and bring things up to him that he is mad at, I don't like thinking that this is the kind of reaction I have to look forward to things that I'm concerned about, even if I'm being stupid in whatever I have to say.

I know that was a lot for just one voicemail, but like I said, I'm afraid that he's not going to talk to me until Monday, and I couldn't go all weekend without saying anything at all. I know it's horrible that I expect him to react so immaturely to fights, but I know that right now, that's what he'll do. And I'm not going to put up with that forever, but I have to right now. One crazy ttara123 concern at a time.

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blink


Coach

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Okay so I am late reading this...

Listen, I don't know that I would have sent a text, I would have tried to wait until the next day and called, because so much emotion and verbal nuance is LOST in electronic communication.  But I know how hard it is to refrain when these kinds of insecurities come up!

No matter how or when you brought it up with him, I think your boyfriend's reaction is unkind.  You were obviously feeling worried if you texted him at such a late hour and he should have responded more sympathetically.  A nicer reaction might have gone something like, "I am so sorry about that person leaving that comment, I understand how that would upset you, don't worry about it and we can talk about it more when I get back."  I mean, is that so hard?  I am not a guy, but if I were in his position and cared about my girlfriend's feelings, I think that's what I would have said.

My point is this, you have nothing to apologize for, you are human and you care about your relationship, that's why you were rattled enough to send a 1AM text.  He should apologize for being insensitive.

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Another ditto for D. I don't know how your question was phrased, or if a late-night text was unusual for you two, but his response was to attack you!

If this is how he usually handles conflict, let the other girl have him. If you want to give him another chance the next time you talk, ask him to express himself without criticizing you, ie, "I want to be in a relationship where there's trust. When you text at 1 a.m., I feel..." or something to that effect. If he can't manage that, you don't need this stress.

It sounds too, like he has a pattern of not respecting your rights. He sulks and won't call you for days when he's mad? Why would he do that? To punish you? To win a point? To make the fight drag on long enough that you'll drop it just to get it over with, and he never has to admit to doing anything wrong? This isn't a great pattern either.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 01:25, 2008-07-08

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Kelly


Hermes

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-- Edited by ttara123 at 14:21, 2008-09-25

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Fashion is art you live your life in. - Devil Wears Prada | formerly ttara123
Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Oh good. Glad it worked out!

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Aurora


Marc Jacobs

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Glad things are looking up for you.

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ico


Dooney & Bourke

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Great! I am happy you guys are fine now! smile

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