STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

fashionista L · Coach

venting

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

fashionista L wrote:

And he proceeded to tell me that he has been pushing me away because he is afraid of getting too close. He is afraid of the comittment and pressure he is feeling from our relationship.

So last night, he told me he is scared of commitment, and doesn't want to get married for at least a few more years.

For example, he told me he wished we had not moved in together so soon and wished we were just dating again, not so married-like, he wants us to have more of our own lives and also a life together. He told me he loves me and I am the perfect girl he wants to be with, he is just young and wants to be able to do the stuff he wants to do. (he is an avid dirt bike rider and trials rider, he competes every other weekend) and not feel so much responsibility toward me.
The disturbing stuff he said was that he can't imagine being with one person his entire life and having sex with just one person.

Ok, so I highlighted the stuff above that really stands out.

I am a firm believer in listening to what someone is telling you, and not trying to attatch our own version of its meaning ot it. So when he says - "he told me he is scared of commitment, and doesn't want to get married for at least a few more years. " - then what he means is HE DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED for a few more years.

and "he can't imagine being with one person his entire life and having sex with just one person. " - he is saying he does not think he can be faithful longterm.

Personally as much as I hate to give you this opionion- I Think what he is saying is that your a great girl, but your not the girl for him right now.

I dont know you, but I do know you deserve better than someone who lacks long term commitment, and who is already warning you that he cant be faithful to you forever.

As for what to do - I guess that comes down to you. What do you think you should do?

jrhampt · Kenneth Cole

Well, all I can say is that I dated my now husband for about 9 years before we finally got married last fall. Of course, I was totally fine with just living together up until about the 7-year mark, when I finally decided I was ready to get married. He took a while longer, though. And, yeah, it caused some tension for a while, but it all worked out. I don't know how old you are, but if you're in your early twenties, 2 and a half years isn't really all that long to have been with someone. You just have to decide if you want to wait it out until he's ready.

fashionista L · Coach

Thanks for your input. I am 25 and he is 24

lynnie · Chanel

Given your ages, I think this is really normal.
This is how I feel about the "sex/life with one person forever" line. I think it's just being honest about something we almost ALL think. I don't know if I'd voice it but it's something that concerns me, and I"m not in a relationship at the moment. Long term committment can be terrifying. However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to get married and be a good and faithful wife one day. It just means I'm being realistic with my feelings. My parents are still married and I've seen situations where love has and hasn't worked, so I think I'm fairly well adjusted and optimistic. But I still find it scary!! Especially when you're in your 20s and want life to be exciting and filled with new experiences.
I don't think this is a bad guy. Would you want to get married now or in a few years? If you honestly would rather get married in a few years but are just scared that if you stick around he still wont be ready, it is worth possibly taking a break for a bit. People work things out I believel one way or another. Maybe he needs to realize what he's taking for granted. Maybe he just needs some time to grow on his own. It's sad and it's hard, but you need to KNOW he chooses to be with you, and isn't just because he's already there.. Or maybe you'll find someone that just KNOWS with you.
Good luck- I know it is heartbreaking but I think you are both good people and things will work out.

blubirde · Chanel

I guess one important question is about his depression. Is he saying these things because he's currently depressed? Or is he depressed because of these things?

A conversation like you guys had would honestly terrify me. And although the potential ending of a relationship would be part of the reason I was scared, the main reason would be the uncertainty. I mean, are you supposed to wait around until he figures it out? If so, do you pull away from him to protect yourself in case it doesn't work out? And if you don't want to exist in a state of relationship limbo, should you leave? If you leave, are you potentially throwing away something great, just because it's hard? God, I don't know. Personally I have a really hard time deciding what I want and what I can tolerate. I'm constantly changing my mind about things and it's hard to make a firm decision about what's the right and wrong thing to do. There are always deal breakers, of course, but what about the gray areas?

I guess this is my long way of saying I sympathize with you. I think answering the depression questions will help you decide how to frame your questions for yourself. Having been in a relationship with a depressed person, I can safely say there is nothing worse in the world. In my case his depression was not necessarily related to our relationship, but it managed to fester and destroy some of the good things that we had. Is there any chance he can talk to someone to help sort out his emotions and thoughts?

Suasoria · Chanel

It sucks that people in your circle are pressuring you with "WHEN, already??" but that seems to be human nature. It was very tough for me to constantly deflect those comments coming from insensitive family and friends, and my DH and I were unified about not getting married - you and BF are less unified on this subject, so it's probably even harder to manage.

I don't see that you have much choice but to give him time to figure it out for himself. You're both young enough to take the time to figure it out - the only question is will you be waiting around for that to happen, or trying to have a life in the meantime?

Jobwise, the fact that he doesn't usually keep a job long-term strikes me as very related to his commitment issue. However, a year and a half in a job you hate is incredibly soul-sucking. Is he looking for work or just crying in his beer? Would he be better off collecting unemployment than killing himself doing this job? Can you support both of you while he looks?

It feels like you two are being honest and sincere with each other, which is a positive thing. Him saying he wishes you two had taken things more slowly may not be intended as hurtful, but an effort to tell you how he feels, although I can sure understand why you would react that way.

I hope you're aware that while he definitely has issues, you're not responsible for them in any way. Don't help him disown them - it is not you he's wary of committing to, it's anybody. You seem like you're being strong and standing up for yourself - just judging by your post - but just in case, do not take any of this as a reflection on who you are.

(((Hugs!)))

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

It seems like the depression is taking its toll. I would advise him to see someone and maybe that will help him put things into perspective either way.

"I guess one important question is about his depression. Is he saying these things because he's currently depressed? Or is he depressed because of these things?" ITA

Also, I think is normal for him to feel the way he does at 24, and especially since you have both been together less than 2 years. I think questioning his faithfulness is him being 100% honest, at 24, I don't think many men can say they feel great about the fact that they will be with 1 person forever.

It seems like men internalize their job situations and often get mad knowing that they are not prepared to support a wife and family, instead of expressing that, they just pull away from commitment. Or at least that has been my experience.

I would knock off the marriage and babies talk, tell your family to do so as well, and see if he will deal with the depression.

fashionista L · Coach

Thank you for all of your comments, some of you really hit the nail on the head without me having even talked about some of the other details! I really appreciate all of the positive and constructive feedback, it gives me a lot to think about!