STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

cc · Marc Jacobs

Have you ever missed a good friend's wedding?

Hermes

I've done it, and I didn't feel bad about it at all. I think it's a lot to ask of your guests to shell out hundreds to thousands of dollars to attend your wedding. In my experience there has never been any hard feelings. Depends on how close you are to the person too, I guess. Like if it's your best friend from childhood and you were the maid of honor, then I would see the person being hurt possibly.

What was this comment from your boyfriend that has you checking flights?

Kelly · Hermes

For a destination wedding, I don't think you have to feel guilty. I think that people assume many of their friends won't come when they plan a wedding so far away - at least, they should. I say buy her a nice gift, take her out to brunch a week or two before the wedding, and send her off with your heartiest congratulations.

Elle · Hermes

One of the main points of a destination wedding is to whittle down the guest list, IMO. If it had been thaaat important that it was convenient for everyone they'd have had it closer by. They're probably only expecting the wedding party, immediate family, and well to do relatives with some time on their hands to actually show.

I wouldn't worry too much about it cc! Are they having any kind of secondary reception or party at home so people who can't make it to the wedding can participate?

Kitty · Hermes

I am debating whether or not to go to a good friend's destination wedding next year. It's at this fancy resort in Mexico and the whole thing will probably end up costing thousands. I'm not sure I want to spend that considering it's not somewhere I would ever go on my own (I hate resorts). I'm still debating.

I feel like people who have destination weddings need to be understanding that not everyone is going to be able to spend that type of money to attend.

cc · Marc Jacobs

Wellllll the thing is, I was asked to be a bridesmaid but said that I wasn't sure if I would be able to make it because I felt really overwhelmed by the cost and complicated travel arrangements that I'd need to make. There are 4 other BMs plus the MOH and I've been very involved in the shower, bachelorette party, dress shopping, etc. so I didn't bail on those duties. And I offered to go to the actual city hall wedding which was local (the destination is really just a commitment ceremony I guess) but my friend didn't seem interested in having people come to that. And of course I will get a fabulous present.

I think I'm going to wind up being the only close friend who isn't going so I feel like a bit of a heel now! Also, another friend is having a fairly local wedding the previous weekend, which I'm going to, and I don't want anyone to think I'm choosing one friend over the other.

The other day when I told my boyfriend that it was looking more and more like I won't go he said he thought it would be sad if I didn't go and offered to pay for part of my plane fare, which surprised me because he thinks that destination weddings are ridiculous.

Anyway, I just wanted to see what other people thought. hmm

-- Edited by cc at 00:37, 2008-06-13

Elle · Hermes

I think anyone who's chosen a destination wedding has already made their peace with the fact that it might be too expensive for some people to attend. It's not like you're her only bridesmaid and she won't have anyone to take care of stuff on location. I'm sure she'd love for you to be able to come of course, but I hardly think people who do go are going to be talking about you badly for not going!

I think going anyway because you feel uncomfortable would be stressful and uncomfortable in it's own way - especially if it isn't as fun as you'd thought once you get there, or you end up having to spend more money on random things on location, or you barely see the bride, etc.

HeatherLynn · Gucci

Alright here are my random thoughts about this so take it or leave it =)

Since it is a destination wedding I doubt the bride expects everyone (especially friends) to be able to make it. With that said, if I thought enough of a friend to ask her to be a bridesmaid I would be a little sad if she couldn't go. However, I would try to make arrangements easy on everyone by helping with travel and paying for some things.

But, with that said I have told/will tell all of the girls that I ask to be my bridesmaids that I know it can be expensive and completely understand if they say no. It is a huge cost and time commitment and I don't want people to feel like the have to. My feelings wouldn't be hurt in the least if someone said no. Hopefully, most brides feel this same way.

So essentially, I would be sad that a friend couldn't make it on that special day, but because of the expense I would completely understand!

NCshopper · Hermes

Like the others have said, I don't think people throw a destination wedding expecting their whole guest list to attend. Anyone throwing a destination wedding understands that there's the risk that close family and friends may not be able to make it for a variety of reasons. I'm sure the bride will miss you, but I'm sure she'll also understand.

I think the question is whether or not you feel like you'd be missing out if you didn't go. Are a lot of your close friends going to be there? Are you close with the bride's family and would you feel like you'd miss out on time to catch up with them? I ask because I went to a destination wedding a few years ago in Jamaica and ALL of our friends went. It's a tight-knit group and I think the few that weren't able to make it really felt like they missed out. I think your friends would totally understand, but I'd just hate for you to feel like you were the only one out of a group that missed out and regret it. That's my two cents.

Suasoria · Chanel

I'm in the minority, but I think you should go, particularly considering BF is willing to help with the travel costs. (Would he go too?)

One of my oldest friends got married on the opposite coast (not a destination wedding). I really wanted to go, but I allowed my husband to talk me out of it. He didn't want to. It wasn't the money, he just thought it would be a PITA to go to the East Coast for just a weekend, and taking time off from work wasn't an option.

I am a complete jerk and will feel guilty about it forever, but partly because I feel like a weak woman for giving my husband the power to keep me from this important event. I think she understood, but that's not the point. At least when I came to my senses (too late, unfortunately) I gave DH the massively passionate ultimatum speech that if he ever tries to prevent me from seeing or supporting a friend again, I'll leave his ass.

sonyastar · Nine West

Bridal showers

blink · Coach

RE: Have you ever missed a good friend's wedding?

cc · Marc Jacobs

Thanks for all the opinions and support. It's not just the money, it's the amount of travel involved for what would be a 3 day weekend. I don't want to turn it into a vacation for several reasons. Also I see my friends who are going quite a lot so I wouldn't be missing out on that aspect of the trip, though of course I'd miss out on whatever fun they have. My boyfriend would not be attending - he lives in Europe which is part of the reason that I need to be so stingy with my vacation time and that I'm also sooo burnt out on air travel (I actually burst into tears in JFK a few weeks ago). But obviously I don't *want* to miss this wedding, I'm just really overwhelmed by what is involved.

I suppose I'll just keep checking airfares and see what happens! At this point I'm looking for somewhat reasonable fares but also for flights that match up with my friends so that I don't screw up their local transport plans.

-- Edited by cc at 08:32, 2008-06-13

littlebean · Kate Spade

I agree that the bride will not be angry if you can't make it to her destination wedding. I had one destination wedding to go to this year, plus four other 2008 weddings that are all at least a 3+ hour plane flight away, and so as you can imagine, I really thought long and hard before I booked the flight to the destination wedding. I almost didn't go, and I am SO SO happy I was there. First of all, it was so much fun to be there with all of my other friends who had made the trip. But more than that, I was so grateful to be there for this special moment in my friend's life. I think I would have felt incredibly sad if I hadn't gone.

So, I guess this is all to say: I don't think you should feel guilty if you don't go, but if it's a close friend and you can swing going without causing major financial hardship, I would go because I think you'd regret it afterwards.

Also, I can sort of relate to what you're saying, sonyastar, about the expense of bridal showers and wedding registries. Occasionally the gifts being asked for can be pretty over the top and it feels a bit much when the couple is in their thirties and already has a great deal.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

If you can afford to go - go.

If you cant afford to go then that is all you have to say to your friend. Good friends dont hold grudges over situations beyond our control.

sweater girl · BCBG

My sister had a destination wedding last year...many of her friends attended but some didn't. She of course knew this would happen when she planned the wedding...once the response cards started rolling in, I do think she was a bit disappointed but she understood and accepted it...and it hasn't changed their friendship.

If it's too much (money, time) for you to go, then don't go...if the bride is a true friend she will understand...I'm sure she wouldn't want you to stress about it either. It sounds like you have been there for her through all the planning and that you will be around for all the local events...you have done your part and have no reason to feel any guilt. That said, even though you have no reason to feel any guilt, I can understand how you still might...if it would help maybe you could do something thoughtful like...arranging for a bottle of champagne to be sent to the bride as she is getting ready w/ a note telling her that you are thinking of her...

Sonyastar...even though it appears we are in the minority, I'm in total agreement. Showers today are totally rediculous imo. Showers were originally created at a time when a couple married young and went from their parents house to setting up their first home together which is totally understandable. Today most couples marry older, and have been living on their own and/or living together...many already own their own homes/condos. If you are professional couple in your 30's why not skip the whole shower thing? I mean really...just buy your own All-Clad or Dyson...why should your friends and family have to do it? I know they feel like everyone else had one, or it's payback for all the showers that they went to, but I wish more people would just break free...anyway my apologies for the shower rant, but I really despise the idea of them for most modern couples.

kenzie · Chanel

I agree with the others who've said if you can afford it timewise and monetarily, then go. If not, don't strain yourself by going. A good friend will understand. I missed a good friend's wedding for financial reasons about 6 years ago. I didn't want to, but I didn't have a choice. She didn't hate me for it.

Regarding the shower rant- I agree. I don't even want to have a shower. I find it ridiculous. We have everything we need already, why make our friends and family buy us more junk we don't need. I agree with showers if the couple is young and just starting out on their own (just out of college, etc) and actually need things. I, however, can't see the point of a shower for a couple who is more established.

sonyastar · Nine West

Well yeah! Thanks for not making me feel alone. I do agree about the "original intent" of a shower...for young couples coming from parent's home to their new home together or a young couple just out of college. I think society has stretched it a little too far past these years, since the average age of couples getting married has evolved now into late 20's and 30's at an age when most have lived on their own, or together, and should have all their "home" stuff. Showers at this point should cease and desist in my opinion.

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

I'm late on this thread but here's my opinion for what it's worth.

I almost missed my best friend's wedding this past February. It was right in the middle of my busy work season and I didn't think I'd get to take off due to other work related issues. So I thought I'd be ok with that decision. I actually avoided the few messages she sent me via myspace checking to see if I was coming and ignored the RSVP card (that should have told me something). Partially I didn't think I wanted to go and partially I was pissed that she didn't ask me to be in the wedding. But... once my mother and my other best friend got a hold of me and told me to think about my decisions I decided to just screw work and go and at 2 pm the day of the wedding I walked into my boss's office and told him I was leaving and going home. He was more upset that I didn't tell him I needed to go than me saying I was walking out that saturday afternoon!

Point is, you are the only one that knows whether or not you need to be there. Normally I would say go but in your situation with a destination wedding it's hard to tell you to go. I think the best thing would be to sit down and talk to your friend and ask her opinion. Had I done this and realized how important it was to my friend to be there for her I would never have even considered skipping out. You'll know what to do based on talking it out.