STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

lynnie · Chanel

Chemistry.

HeatherLynn · Gucci

Good post. One of my good friends and I were discussing this the other day. She says she always dates the wrong types. She goes for guys that she is immediately attracted to and then in the end there was nothing else there so it never works out. She said she didnt want to date someone unless she could immediately look at them and know she was physically attracted to them. I shared my experiences with her, but my guess is that it will depend on the person.

Based on my experiences, the people I had immediate physical chemistry with never lasted-- probably because we didn't have as much emotional/mental chemistry. I have been with my current bf for 4 years. I did not have immediate physical chemistry with him. However, once I got to know him and saw how well our emotional/mental chemistry was the physical chemistry developed very quickly. So I think that you can have all types of chemistry in your relationship and you shouldn't settle until you have them. However, there may not be immediate chemistry, but instead the type that takes time to develop. Ultimately when you get old, saggy, wrinkly, gray, etc the physical chemistry won't be the same as you had when you were younger and I really want someone I can talk to and love, but still want to be with.

Not sure that helps you any, but that's my perspective.

blubirde · Chanel

I'm like HeatherLynn. My experiences have been that intense physical chemistry generally equals doomed whatever (relationship, dating sequence, etc.).

With my bf, I totally wasn't attracted to him at first. He had blonde tips and wore pleated pants for gods sake! But I quickly pointed out to him the error of his ways and those things changed, pronto. (I'm cool like that.) Basically I kept dating him because we had such great mental chemistry. We could (and still can) talk for hours about anything and nothing.

And while I still don't think he's hot to everyone who sees him, he is to me. And our physical chemistry is great. It's the best of both worlds, but if it'd just been physical at the beginning, I doubt either one of us would have given the relationship the time it needed to develop.

So yeah, physical chemistry is great and needed but when it's the first thing you notice about a person, it hardly ever ends well. Just my opinion.

sfclinevandy · Coach

My experiences with chemistry. I've dated more but these are the only ones that stick out when it comes to that intangible chemical spark.

Guy #1: At the time I thought there was this crazy electric chemistry. But in hindsight it might just have been we were both 16 and excited to be together. And he wasn't the type of guy people would expect me to be with (good girl/ bad, rebellious boy) so I liked that we were so unexpected. Anyway, that didn't work out.

Guy #2: Insane physical chemsitry at the very beginning. We dated 3 years. However I quickly realized there was no mental chemistry and I really didn't respect the guy so I then became physically repulsed. I should have gotten out WAY earlier but you live and learn.

Guy #3: 100% mental chemistry. Physically he was not what I am initially attracted to but we had this crazy connection. He was super passionate and I loved that and it then grew into physical attraction. But he had some major self destructive tendancies and we both knew were really weren't meant to be together forever.

Guy #4: It all clicked. I was attracted to him but there wasn't crazy physical chemistry. I liked him but when we first started dating there wasn't that immediate physical chemistry. But seriously after a few weeks, it all hit me and I realized this was it. He was everything I wanted/needed. And he's the one I'm marrying smile

lynnie · Chanel

I find myself having amazing physical chemistry usually with someone I have good mental and emotional chemistry with as well. But I wonder if, like Blubirde said, you have really good physical chemistry in the beginning, you ignore developing the other parts, even if they could/are be good.

So question is, take it slow because there could be real potential there or just let it go and enjoy the insane physical chemistry? This is *mainly* hypothetical :)

member · Hermes

I guess I got really lucky. I had insane physical chemistry w/my SO when I first met him, but we also immediately connected on a mental and emotional level right away too. Needless to say, I've been w/him for 6 years now smile

In the past, I've dated guys who I had no chemistry with in the beginning, but had a mental connection with and I've also dated guys who I had crazy chemistry with, but nothing else. Obviously, I'm with none of those guys now, so it didn't work out.

So to answer your original question - yep, I would up with the person I had the best all around chemistry with.

joy0302 · Kate Spade

I am married to someone whom I immediately had physical chemistry with and the mental and emotional chemistry came as soon as I got to know him as well.
I have also dated guys who I had physical chemistry with, but the rest just wasn't there. The person doesn't have to be a George Clooney look-a-like, but I think there has to be an initial attraction. If the personality sucks though that will ruin it REALLY fast.

I think you can and should have it all. The person you will spend your life with should be someone you can connect with on every level. I know it sounds crazy, but I knew when I first met my husband that I was going to marry him.

blink · Coach

I think chemistry in a relationship is pretty important in the initial months of dating. Perhaps where it goes wrong is when a couple is intensely attracted, they overlook other aspects of the person that are not really good for them. Basically, nobody should rush into a commitment, but especially refrain if the chemistry is overwhelming, recognize that it's all in their head and blinding their common sense.

I believe in this kind of love though, sometimes people get lucky to have it last, even if they rushed in.

jacL · Coach

An extremely charged relationship is not doomed, but there needs to be more to it to last. When I first met my long-term BF, we had immediate physical chemistry, and in fact, that was about the only thing that initially brought us together. He was also somewhat of a brooding teenager so that brought an air of mystery into the mix, but we ultimately had to connect on an emotional and intellectual level for it to last longer than a few months.

I suppose if your initial physical chemistry is so strong, it could make one ignore developing the other aspects, but I tend to view that as what makes a growing relationship. A relationship, no matter how short or long, never stays the same and there will be times when your physical chemistry is stronger (probably the beginning) and times when some other type of chemistry will play a larger role.

I agree with joy0302 that for a life partner, I expect all sorts of chemistry.

blubirde · Chanel

I just realized that I made it sound like I don't think my bf is hot. I do. I think he's super hot. I want to jump his bones all the time. (TMI?) But when we first met, I did NOT want to jump his bones right away.

So to your question, "take it slow because there could be real potential there or just let it go and enjoy the insane physical chemistry?" I think there is no right answer. Everyone is different. If you do have great physical chemistry, that doesn't mean you are doomed as a potential long term couple. It also doesn't mean there's a real connection either. If you're actually interested in something more than a physical thing, I'd say take it a little slow and see if you connect on other levels. Slow can't hurt, right? And worst case, if you think he's all hotness and nothing else, you can just enjoy that for what it is and not worry about the rest.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I think sometimes you can take it slow and you will grow to like a person who didn't knock off your socks at first look. But I wouldn't stay with someone if the sex were actually bad.

I married someone that I didn't really have chemistry with, because he was perfect on paper. It was horrible. I wound up eating and sleeping alone, and forget about sex. It started off slow and stopped after three years. He became more and more of an asshole, and I was stuck in this mentality of, "I can make this work. We should work." I finally demanded counseling (after his behavior hit an incredible low) and he filed for divorce. All my willpower only got me a sham marriage for as long as he was willing to tolerate it.

So I don't think you need chemistry right away but you do need it eventually. The "We don't need chemistry we just need to be good people..." thing does not really register for me. You have to have some reason to be there besides willpower.

Now my boyfriend is honestly my best friend and we have crazy chemistry. It makes things a lot easier. I don't know whether or not we'll work out long term, but at least I'm not lying awake trying to think of a way to get my own damn husband to spend time with me anymore.

PS - I only had the guts to demand counseling from the ex because I realized we would be terrible, terrible parents. On paper, sure, we could give a kid everything. But I can't imagine how awful it would have been to be a mother while partnered with someone who had no real desire to be there for me. He thought he would have been a great dad, and in a way he would, but we would never have been a real family.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 16:53, 2008-03-09