STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

KaffeeKlatsch · Marc Jacobs

Is my indignation righteous or ridiculous?

Hermes

what if you didn't go? I think not allowing you to bring a guest is pretty ridiculous. If they can't afford to let the grooms sister bring a guest, they shouldn't be spending money on a wedding.

atlgirl · Gucci

Hm. I'm not sure I fully agree with you. You say you don't feel close to them, and that you don't consider yourself really having any family but your son...but you expect them to honor you (and/or your son) when they may feel the same way about you (not being close, I mean)? I think it has to go both ways...

IMO it's the bride and groom's choice for who will be part of their wedding party, and I think it's a little much to be miffed to not be invited to stand for them. I've actually attended weddings of close friends where people have said to me, "I can't believe you're not an attendant" and I just shrug. Doesn't change my friendship or family relationship, whether or not I am part of the wedding party or just a guest. I'm always flattered to be invited either way.

The "you can't bring a guest but everyone else can" seems rather unfair though. IMO the playing field should be the same for all guests...and if you can't afford to feed all the guests and their "plus ones", then you should invite less guests or have a less expensive reception. It's not appropriate to pick and choose who can bring a guest and who can't. If it were me, I'd very seriously consider not going. It doesn't sound like you'd enjoy it either way, so maybe it's best to skip it?

Kelly · Hermes

atlgirl wrote:

Hm. I'm not sure I fully agree with you. You say you don't feel close to them, and that you don't consider yourself really having any family but your son...but you expect them to honor you (and/or your son) when they may feel the same way about you (not being close, I mean)? I think it has to go both ways...

ITA. But I think it's ridiculous that other people can bring dates and you can't. Either everyone should be allowed, or no one should be allowed. If you don't think you'll have fun, maybe you could just go to the ceremony and skip the reception?

KaffeeKlatsch · Marc Jacobs

-- Edited by leah_leanna at 14:17, 2008-02-12

lynnie · Chanel

I am mad for you that they won't let you bring a guest! That is rude, imho. Are you close with the bride?
As far as being in the ceremony, I understand feeling slighted but I'd try not to take it personally. It is a hard decision for the bride/groom, especially when you have to worry about hurting people's feelings...

sfclinevandy · Coach

This is going to sound harsh... but my wedding is 1 month away and we're going through this. As it is my wedding, I would rather have my friends and family and if they bring guests... they really should be part of a committed relationship... that means no friends or random dates. I really don't want to have a bunch random people I don't know enjoying my wedding who I'll never see again. Of course there are always exceptions and I appreciate people calling to ask if they can bring someone before they rsvp (I've actually done this as a guest, even though I knew there was a chance I'd be denied), but if the invitation does not say "and guest", it's rude to assume you can bring someone without first checking with the couple. Basically, it's the couple's call if you can bring someone and if they're they say no... that's it. Wedding's are pricey and you have to draw the line somewhere.

Just another thought, maybe they give "and guest" to people who did not know anyone else attending. Since you are family, they may have assumed you would be comfortable going without a date since you would already know other family members.

-- Edited by sfclinevandy at 11:44, 2008-02-12

relrel · Marc Jacobs

Is it at all possible that the reason they didn't include you in the wedding party was because of your son? Not saying right or wrong, just wondering if maybe they were worried about who was going to watch your son if you were busy during that day. Along those same lines, not including your son might have been because they were worried how he might act. But if this was the reason behind it, they should have discussed that with you before excluding you out-right. Also, could it have been a financial thing? Knowing you might not have the money to spend on a dress/other items for the wedding party, and trying to be nice about it?? Just thinking out loud here that their reason for not including you and your son might have been altruistic and not mean-spirited or whatever.

Did your invite say plus-one? Do you know specifically that the other guests are allowed plus-ones?

ETA: Just wanted to add that your situation might get terribly misconstrued without good communication between you and your brother. On the surface, anger and hurt feelings might be the first emotions but it's possible entirely that everything that your brother did was actually meant with good-intentions. I would talk to him about it, really talk.

-- Edited by relrel at 11:44, 2008-02-12

Suasoria · Chanel

My feeling is your indignation is understandable, but not that logical, if that makes any sense. I know why you feel hurt; I really do.

sfclinevandy wrote:

As it is my wedding, I would rather have my friends and family and if they bring guests... they really should be part of a committed relationship... that means no friends or random dates. I really don't want to have a bunch random people I don't know enjoying my wedding who I'll never see again.

Since finances probably don't permit a couple to allow everyone to bring a date, I thought this was basically a rule of wed-iquette: you should invite the partner of an unmarried person if it's a committed relationship, e.g. engaged or living together. Of course if it's a close friend or relative you'll probably know their partner too.

I don't know if you're in a relationship like that, and if not, it seems normal to me that they would make that decision. You being a family member vs. a friend doesn't matter. If the envelope isn't addressed "Ms. Jane Doe and Guest" it's safe to assume they just want you. (A friend of ours complained after her wedding that there were 300 people there, and when she looked at the pictures, she realized she barely knew half of them.)

That said, if you want to push your luck, you could play the son card in that you really were hoping to bring a friend to help you keep him entertained and occupied, you know how toddlers are, etc.

As far as not being in the wedding party, you're talking about being a bridesmaid? How close are you to the bride? How many bridesmaids are there? My brother, my only sibling, wasn't a groomsman at my wedding either - we only had two people on each side. My husband had his own brother and his best friend since childhood. The wedding wasn't big and fancy enough to justify a large wedding party.

Maybe there's something else you could do, like a toast at the reception? Maybe you could say "I understand that it would be silly for me to be a bridesmaid, but I'm so happy for you, and being your only sister, I really want to do something. Do you need someone to give a reading at the ceremony or a toast at the reception?"

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I agree with relrel - the first thing I thought of was that they didn't have you in the wedding party bc of the burden it would place on you timewise and financially.. That said, they should have communicated it to you.

They aren't allowing you to bring a guest...maybe they consider your son a guest? I think its rediculous and I think it is justified to say if I can't bring a guest then I am not going (not that you wouldn't but still). My brother tried to pull this at his engagement party, I brought my best girlfriend but it was such a fight. If I didn't attend with her, I would have been miserable at the party.

I have never planned a wedding but I think that sometimes when people are in that situation, its all about them and they would LOVE to take your gifts for each of their bridal showers, they LOVE it when you put out money for them for their bachelorette parties, they LOVE it when you give a cash gift at the wedding and/or have to spend money on travel, bridal dresses, general attire, take off from work, etc. but the minute they have to shell out an extra $65 to make you happy, its a no go!

Just a view from the other side....

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

If I could hijack this thread to make a brief public service announcement: I know weddings are expensive. I think most people settle the date-or-not question with a stated policy of, "Only married/engaged/life partners," and then put both names on the invite.

The problems start when you try to make cut offs without losing the people you want. It always comes off as being rude. And then when the, "I wish I could invite you..." stuff starts, it's just so tacky! If you can't invite someone, don't talk about it. I had one girl, who had been friendly with me for four years, email my boyfriend, her good friend, after she sent him her wedding invitation: "Your invite is only for you. Dizzy can't come because I dont' want to pay for temporary couples." I didn't even want to go. But do you think she's off my shit list anytime soon?

End announcement.

I didn't see the original thread, so apologies if I am assuming incorrectly, but it sounds as if you weren't invited to stand up in a family wedding, and you feel slighted? And you can't bring your son? So you would have to pay for child care?

If it's family, and you feel weird, and you can't talk about it because they arent' being receptive... then I say, do what you have to do to take care of yourself. If this wedding is an expense for you, then say you can't go. Let them blame you, or offer to pay for your childcare. But don't spend the money to do something you can't afford and don't feel like doing. You have been brave, and strong, in keeping together your life the past few years. Now some things have to give, because you can't give everyone everything they want right now. You don't have that freedom. You have to take care of yourself.

If these people aren't contributing to your life, then they have to give up a little of your time and charity too. Boo on them if they can't understand that they are asking too much of you.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 23:02, 2008-02-12

blubirde · Chanel

I also didn't see the original post but I really want to weigh in on the not being asked to be in the wedding party part. My brother has been married twice. He has never asked me to be in his wedding. In both weddings, the bride's siblings were all members of the wedding party. In the first the bride's sister was her moh and her bil was my brother's best man even though they weren't even that close. In the second wedding the bride's sister was her moh and the bride's brother was my brother's best man. Again, not that close (and both were/are younger than me). If I think about it, it really stings. Really. It makes me angry just thinking about it. And hurt.

All that said, there's no point in being upset about it. I know I just said thinking about it upsets me but I don't dwell on it and I don't let it affect my relationship with my brother and either SIL. Hee. Although it does make me a teensy bit happy to think of two marriages for him (he's the righteous, good, christian one and I'm... not). But my point is that it sucks and there's nothing to be done about it. You have to decide that it's not going to matter to you and that you're not going resent him and/or his wife for the rest of your life. It may always sting (like my situation does), but it doesn't have to create distance between you and your brother - or at least not anymore than there already is. It's not like I go around thinking about his wedding all the time. I never think about it actually, except in situations like this. So while it bugs me, I don't let it get to me.

I'm sure what all the other girls said about weddings is true and right and proper and all that, but I tend to agree with xtina and dizzy on the date bit. First, don't specifically exclude people and second, if it's a not a close, family affair, let the guests bring g--damned dates! (And if +1 isn't included, you should ask politely and all that jazz, yadda, yadda, yadda.) My BFF got married a couple of years ago, right after I started dating my now bf. I asked her if I could bring him and she said no because there wasn't going to be any typical wedding stuff (like dancing and what not) and didn't think I needed a date to feel comfortable. Nice of her to tell me what I'd feel comfortable with but I digress. Her wedding was very small so I understood. BUT now we're all good friends and both my BFF and her husband wish they'd invited my bf so he would have been there. And they did end up doing typical wedding stuff like dancing and it really sucked to be left out and watching from the sidelines with the 2 other single girls who weren't allowed to bring dates either.

Again I don't know exactly what you wrote but if my guessing is correct, I feel your pain 100%. And while I know weddings have tons of rules and regulations that you're supposed to abide by, they're also supposed to be fun, happy occasions and if you're miserable, it totally misses the point. I hate obligation invites and I especially hate obligation attendings. I don't think you should skip it since it's your brother and all but I'd seriously think about just attending the ceremony and skipping the reception. He'll save money (appears to be his goal) and you hopefully won't offend anyone. You can always use your son as an excuse to cut out early.

Good luck, either way.

kittenheels · Coach

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that this has happened! I don't know the details of the relationship with your brother, but I'm sad to hear he did not include you in the wedding party. Weddings are a special time where you want family to be involved and welcome, not sad and hurt. If your relationship with him and his fiancee allows for conversation, you might want to offer a toast or a reading during the service as a way to contribute to their day.

As to the date issue, I guess it depends on the circumstances. You might want to ask your brother whether a date would be possible. Best wishes, and I hope it ends up so that everyone can enjoy the wedding!

Metric · Gucci

Aren't weddings awesome? I got left out of my brother's wedding as well, so I totally know how you feel.
I can somewhat understand not inviting a guest since you aren't in a commited relationship. But it still sucks nonetheless. Could you maybe explain to your brother that you don't want to go alone and if he could make an exception for you?

blink · Coach

Okay, I missed the original post, so I might be way off on context.

At age 32, I have been to countless weddings in Texas. I can't help but wonder if this leaving out guest's dates is a regional/cultural thing. I have never heard of dates (regardless of relationship status) being denied. If I were ever to receive an invite of such nature, I would decline on principle, so they could just save their money. I think it is borderline poor taste not to allow ones guests to bring someone of their choice. I can think of circumstances that would call for it, but only for a non-traditional wedding.

Some people have different preferences, I understand. I know of one bride who decided to forgoe open bar at her wedding, this allowed her to invite 300 guests instead of 150. I thought that was cool. I wasn't there to get drunk anyway and I can certainly afford one or two drinks. When I mentioned this to a coworker, she claimed that any wedding with a cash bar was tacky! Whatever!

I didn't know half of the people in my reception pictures either, but this did not bother me one bit. I wondered who they were, but I certainly wasn't thinking about what they cost.

Does this sound overly tolerant? I guess I just like people more than "perfectly expensive" weddings.

-- Edited by blink at 00:24, 2008-02-14

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I also missed the original post, but I totally understand why you would be hurt at not being included in your brother's wedding and it also doesn't make sense to me that you would be invited without a date. My wedding is in June and I just sent out my save the dates.

Weddings are so complicated and so often people's feelings get hurt. I've certainly been in your situation before and been annoyed that I wasn't allowed to bring a date or was excluded from a wedding because I wasn't considered a serious enough girlfriend to come with whoever I was dating at the time. But I also understand why not everyone can bring dates -- I'm speaking generally, but since you are family I think you deserve more special consideration than the other guests. I don't think I can invite everyone with a guest because of space issues.

If you can, talk with your brother and explain how you're feeling. It would be such a shame to not speak up and then have this fester.