STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I've become a bad socializer...

Hermes

Yes, I have gone through this. Specifically, as a result of the experience my boss from hell a couple of years ago.

I sought out a counselor (not a therapist.) First she gave me a book on personality disorders which fit the boss from hell to a T. That book showed me that she was essentially fucked up and it wasn't me.

The counselor then helped me realize I internalized everything other people did -- like I felt I'm the one who was fucked up and I was the one who was doing something wrong, when in fact, it was THEY who were the fucked up ones.

I finally felt free from my social anxiety. I no longer internalized other people's actions. I felt more in control and more confident than I ever had in my life.

I hope what I've written makes sense -- as you know situations like this are complicated and difficult to put into words...

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

That makes sense. I keep thinking, "They wouldn't have acted like that if I weren't... blah..." and now I am trying way too hard to not be whatever it was that led to the earlier bad result.

The thing that's confusing, is that outside of the situation a lot of them are nice enough. It just turned into something, I think, where a few people targeted me and everyone else either piled on or stayed out of the way. For three very long years....

Hermes

Dizzy wrote:

I keep thinking, "They wouldn't have acted like that if I weren't... blah..." and now I am trying way too hard to not be whatever it was that led to the earlier bad result.

See that's the thing you have to stop thinking. It's your choice as to how you want to perceive them and react to them. All you can be is you, and if they don't like that that's their problem. Don't try to be anything other than happy and don't try to be someone for the sake of pleasing others - it doesn't work and you'll only find yourself in a spiral trying to figure out how to manipulate the situation. If the people want to be happy with you, let them. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells or need to act a way that is not natural, then choose other friends -- that's what I do.

The only thing we can control are our own perceptions and reactions. You cannot control what others think or do. For me, realizing that was very freeing. I always felt I either did something or could have done something to make the situation different -- screw that. I just don't let it get to me anymore -- it's totally in my power as to whether I let others bring me down, and I just plain don't let them anymore. I just do my own thing and strive to be happy.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

Not exactly the same thing, but a lot of times I find myself thinking about if something I say will sound stupid instead of just being who I am in certain situations (if that makes sense). I'm getting ready to read Approval Addiction by Joyce Meyers, I'm not sure if your beliefs line up with hers but the book may still be an applicable read.

And btw, you have more than a lot to offer, you are always a valuable asset on this forum so I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to be your friend irl! Just keep that chin up and know that the girls on ST love ya

Elle · Hermes

I've been through this before too - it was in a school situation where everyone just turned on me all at once and those who didn't kept their mouths shut and watched. IMO in situations like that where you're so surrounded by this weird phenomenon, trying not to let them get you down and just be happy just doesn't seem to cut it. It's like an extended torture technique or something.

I came out of it with a sort of PTSD - it colored the way I interacted with everyone, though there weren't many because I was afraid to. There's a recovery time once you're through and surrounded by normal people again, it doesn't just happen overnight. I still have anxiety in social situations where I don't know people and I have a hard time making friends, 10 years later. At least now I don't automatically assume that something nasty is going to come out of someone's mouth, but I know the possibility. And now if someone has an issue with me I can really truly not care and move on with my own things, but that's after many years of rebuilding my faith in humanity!

I think you'll find yourself again before too long. Not the old self - you're older and wiser and scarred from battle now - but a new, better, more-self aware person. Have you ever done affirmations before? It sounds really cheesy, but it sets things in motion better than you'd expect. You just come up with some truths and hopes for yourself, write them down, and repeat them in the morning when you get up and again before bed. Sends your thoughts in the right direction, and you believe them a little more each time.

I hope you start feeling better soon, Dizzy. We're hear to listen either way

.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

FashionPrincess wrote:

And btw, you have more than a lot to offer, you are always a valuable asset on this forum so I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to be your friend irl! Just keep that chin up and know that the girls on ST love ya

Total 100% ditto. Here's the thing Diz--you and I have never met. But do you know that your opinion when it comes to certain situations (you know what I mean) is one of the opinions I value MOST? Out of all the wonderful in real life friends and family I am blessed with, I often find myself thinking "I need to run this one by Dizzy."

From the moment you started posting on this forum, I thought to myself--this girl is someone to take notice of. She is wise and discerning and it would behoove me to learn from her. And I have and will continue to do so. So seriously, thank you for that.

Now, onto the topic at hand. I am going to go ahead and opine based on very limited facts, so take all this for whatever it's worth:

1. I think you need to "coulda shoulda woulda" law school. Maybe you could've adjusted better. Maybe you should've. Maybe you would've if things had been different. Well, oh, well. Coulda shoulda woulda. You don't have to worry about it anymore. Maybe some of them are nice in different cirucmstances. Well, that's nice. And if you feel like dealing with them in different circ's, go for it. If not, oh well it is so their loss because hello--see above.

2. You need to start returning phone calls. I know it's hard and I know life sucks and sometimes the last thing you want to do is answer the phone and have to answer "life sucks" to a friend who asks how things are. Because it makes you feel like a loser. But you're not a loser. And that's what friends are for. So use them.

3. Watch out when it comes to only hanging with the bf. I'm sure he's fabulous in a million ways but still--be careful. You don't want to feel like you need him as a lifeline. And in the end, it's not good for the relationship either.

Good luck, and of course know that we are here for you.

blubirde · Chanel

Ah - I have so much to say on this topic that I hardly know where to start. First of all, I agree with everything that everyone else said, especially all the good stuff esquiress said.

Second, law school is like some kind of weird social experiment. I know some people come out of it unscathed but I'm still, 4 years later, dealing with the ramifications of everything that happened there. I'll definitely never be the same. I'll never be as naive as I was before I went there, that's for sure. I was lucky. I met a couple of really amazing people who thought/think like I do about the whole experience, so I had someone to share it with. And I had a roommate that was a BFF and not a law student. That also helped. The important thing to get is perspective. Law school is not real life and although lawyers do exist in real life, they're diluted by normal people. All that said, law school sucks and I think it's totally okay to need a little time to adjust to real life again.

Third, regarding really stressful times in life, I've been there. I had a really bad relationship once upon a time and came out of it all ill-equipped to deal with the real world. My world had been so crazy and negative (as I'm sure you felt yours was in law school) that interacting with "normal" people became horrifying, literally. I'd spend every second of every day convinced people were thinking the way I dressed meant something awful, what I said meant I was desperate for attention, etc., etc., etc. Anything negative, I thought it. I was really terrified to say anything at all to new people or even people I'd known for years. I was really only comfortable by myself and then I was lonely. It took me about two years to really come out of it. I don't know if a therapist or counselor would have helped, but I suppose I'm lucky that it just took time to come out of the funk.

I think it's like Elle and D are saying. It sounds like you're dealing with a really stressful situation, even if it's over you're still dealing, by internalizing everything. I think it really can't hurt to see someone to talk about it.

I hope you feel better but just know that you're not alone.

boobaby · Kate Spade

I think seeing a therapist is good.

I know when I've been generally unhappy with work, school, relationships, whatever, I feel like I have no personality and socializing (and therefore changing your life) becomes more difficult.

When I first moved here, the only person I knew was my sister. She tends to a wee bit toxic. I would go to parties or bars with her and her friends. I would think I was being perfectly charming and funny and people were accepting me. I've always been pretty outgoing and unafraid to talk to people. When we would leave, she would rip apart everything I did and said & tell me that I should be ashamed of myself. Even worse, sometimes she would attempt to shame me in front of her friends by revealing something very personal or interrupt me to point out something like the zit on my chin, etc. I don't know why she is so hell bent on tearing me down, but it takes a lot of mental toughness to drown her out. So, I made my own friends and I don't rely on her anymore. But I did suffer from social anxiety (and still do) for quite some time.

My point is, return phone calls. Hang out with people who make you laugh and make you feel comfortable. I recently got back in regular contact with someone like this and am so happy I took that step.

Suasoria · Chanel

I wouldn't push myself into things I didn't feel ready for or psyched to do. I definitely think therapy/counseling should help. On some level you must still reeling from the breach of trust that led to the divorce, and of course law school is just more brutality.

DH and I have become somewhat antisocial lately, partly because we've decided most of our friends are putzes. But I guess that's not quite the same...