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Post Info TOPIC: I need to vent
ico


Dooney & Bourke

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Posts: 517
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I need to vent
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Hi girls
sorry it seems like I appear here only to complain... but I really don't have much time to be on the computer at work, so I read the forum only at night when I am not too tired.

Here's the story
My boyfriend's mom suddenly died last week. She was in good health, not too old, taking good care of herself, so nobody was expecting it. She was a really sweet lady and a great person, and lots of people will miss her. She had just given me a really cute christmas present...
The problem is, I really don't know how to behave. All of his friends told me they are glad I am with him, he doesn't come back at home at night to find an empty house, I should try stay very close to him, and so on.
Problem is: I don't know how to stay close to him. I mean: I am physically present, I am here. But I find that all this sadness is destroying me. We can't have a conversation about something else, or go take a walk, without the phone ringing, and it's always someone who asks for what's going on with all the things he has to do with the house, the bank, etc. And he cannot turn off the phone without feeling guilty, b/c all those people surely mean well.
Same thing for dinner (or lunch): we are constantly interrupted by the phone. Today I had lunch alone, he was on the phone, and then got angry at me b/c I hadn't said a word during lunch (!).
onight he left me alone at home to go have dinner to some friend's house. It is not the first time it happens, and I usually don't mind, but today I feel really lonely...

I am having some serious health problems too: the doctor(s) decided I needed a cancer biopsy, and I won't have the results before mid feb.

So I feel sad for all that happened, nervous for the health thing, and really guilty when I want to do something nice for us (like go to the movie, or to a concert), and he doesn't want to. And I don't feel like going with a sister or  a friend, b/c again I feel guilty.
Needless to say, I have serious trouble concentrating at work. On Tue I have to fly to Germany, and that's the last thing I want to do right now.

Help, please: I want to help L, stay close to him, but need to keep my sanity. And I really feel very selfish, for thinking of myself...

Thanks

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HeatherLynn


Gucci

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Posts: 2915
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Well it only happened a week ago. Everything is still very new and fresh. If you really love him, which it sounds like you do, then just keep physically being there for him. He will get mad at you and for absolutely no reason. Chances are he is extremely angry because he lost his mother for no real reason (not sick, older, etc). He can't take his anger out on his mother because she isn't there. You are the person closest to him (and though it is not an excuse it is often what happens) he takes it out on you.

My bf lost his mother a few years ago. I can tell you it does get better, but it takes a long time to deal with it. He is still in a lot of pain and does still have a lot of things going. He has a lot of 'chores' he has to take care of regarding finances and the house. This is part of it. Just physically be there so he has someone around when he needs you. It will get better!!

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blubirde


Chanel

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It's so soon and everything is so fresh. I'm sure things will calm down a bit as time goes by. I think everything you're feeling/thinking is totally normal. It's a sad event and you're sad for him, but it's not your mother so it's not quite the same, you know? Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel and just try to be patient. Eventually the two of you will go to a movie or have a nice dinner or just laugh together and realize that you don't feel horrible anymore, or at least you don't feel horrible for that moment. Deaths are really hard to go through for both parties. You're doing your best. It's pretty much all anyone can ask.

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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I agree totally. And I don't think it's your job to make hiim feel better about everything. Something sad happened and he's dealing with it. So he's likely to be kind of a jerk. Maybe just let him know you're there for him if he needs you, and then take care of yourself a little more. Goign to the movies with a friend isn't neglecting him. You need what you need, and you're willing to accomodate what he needs - if he asks (grown ups can ask) - and that's all that really needs to happen. Let yourself off the hook a bit.

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ico


Dooney & Bourke

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Posts: 517
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Thanks girls... I think that's all I needed to hear.
I realised how all of you are rigth this morning, whan he was driving. He was so mad at everyone else who was on the street. I thought of what HeatherLynn had said, he really is so angry, and doesn't know with whom.

Thanks again, I ama wrench of nerves *a friend said that to me today) but I'll try to be strong...

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Suasoria


Chanel

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Posts: 3120
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My dad died unexpectedly right before Christmas. We weren't close, but it's still a big frigging headache/nightmare for my brother and me. As mentioned above, I'd give it time.

My DH is right where you are - in addition to being supportive of what your partner is dealing with, you have your own thing to deal with. I believe ALL feelings at this stage are normal. Try not to judge him or yourself for what you're feeling. It sounds like you both are quite young to be going through this, so take that into account as well. My best for both of you -

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