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Post Info TOPIC: I don't know how to respond...
D


Hermes

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I don't know how to respond...
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First, a little back story...  I was very close to this woman and her (now)husband when I used to live in another city around 15 years ago. We were close friends for probably 7 years. We used to do a lot of things together and I was invited to both her and her husband's extended family gatherings - they were, in a way, my family back then.  They would come over and help me decorate my tree at Christmas and I was at the hospital when their son was born.  Basically, we were pretty close.

When I moved, we continued to get together (but less often due to the distance), and over time our contact has dwindled.  I've been fine with that, and I assume they have been too, I just chalked it up to being busy with life and moving in separate directions.  I would write updates in regard to my life to them in the Christmas cards, and they didn't write anything back besides saying we have to get together.

I don't think I've seen or talked to them in maybe 4-5 years.

Last Christmas, I told them about my cancer deal in my usual Christmas note to them.  I also said we need to get together and provided all of my contact info.  

I received no response.

Even though it hurt, that's ok, I guess. We've grown apart, and unfortunately, cancer can prove to be an interesting test of friendship. Some people just don't know how or want to deal with it.  But in my opinion, people do what they want to do.  If they cared, they would have reached out -- regardless of whether or not they knew what to say. 

Anyway, I figured that was the end of the friendship and that we were reduced to gratuitous Christmas cards.  I had also made a decision this year to not send Christmas Cards to anyone who did not send one to me (trying to cull the list.)  I had felt in the past that these friends only sent a card to me because I sent one to them.  Lo and behold, I get a card from them (saying nothing -- just signed.)  I was on the fence as to whether or not to send a card to them, and I didn't yet (I was going to send new year's cards instead of Christmas Cards anyway.)

I also wonder if they don't know how to react to me in general -- in the period of time I've known them, and especially during the time after I moved away, I've worked toward obtaining multiple degrees and have realized a lot of professional success and maybe they're intimidated by that? There is a part of me that thinks that maybe I'm out of their league now (to them - but that's not how I feel.)

SO.  I get this email yesterday, and frankly, I don't know how to respond to it:
"Hi [D],
I hope everything is going well, and your health is good.
I am so sorry that we didn't get in touch with you, when
we received your Christmas card last year, telling about your
health problems.When we read the card we were stunned.
I don't think that either one of us knew what to say.We would
think about you often, but as time went by, It became more
difficult to explain why we didn't contact you sooner.I know
it's not even close to being a good excuse, but I hope you
can forgive us.I'm hoping your health issues are behind you
now."

My first instinct is to write and say "don't worry about it."  But I'm having a hard time doing that.  I was really hurt that they didn't even call me.  Maybe I should tell them I was hurt, but I forgive them and a lot of people don't know how to react to something like this, and that it means a lot to me that they sent this email.  I don't know... There's a part of me that wants to just write off the "friendship" and another part of me that wants to forgive them for being human.



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KaffeeKlatsch


Marc Jacobs

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Hmmm... I think it's possible to do both, forgive and retreat, in other words. I know at least in my life this has become a bit of a necessity as people pop up from time to time but disappear when I need real support.
I think I would probably send back an email thanking them for their concern and letting them know you made it through some of the tough stuff...and then just leave it at that...no invitation to get together or newsy personal updates.
I'm thinking that way the ball is is their court...if they truly care about you and want to make restitution for the hurt they caused, they'll call you.

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joy0302


Kate Spade

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D I can understand how you would be confused as to what to write back to them. Part of being a friend is helping each other deal with difficult situations, not just cancer, but other life problems as well. If these are the type of people that are only around during the good times I am not sure that you really need them to be a part of your life. From the way it sounds in the last 4 or 5 years you have not really heard much from them and that also seems to be around the same time your professional career has also taken off. This also leads me to believe as you are thinking that they may intimidated by your success or worse yet, just jealous. I just would be leery of having people close to me that would not be there to celebrate my successes or to help me out when I am having hardships.

If you are willing to forgive them maybe just write and say that sometimes just sending a note saying that you are thinking of someone will do. Also, that you understand it is hard for them, but it is also hard for you to lose friendships over a horrible thing that happened to you that you had no control of.


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Kelly


Hermes

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Honestly, I think I'd forgive them. It really, really sucks that they weren't there for you when you needed them. But they don't sound like fair-weather friends to me - after all, they were your "family" for 7 years or so, and I doubt that there were no bad times in those 7 years. You all grew apart before the cancer, not because of it. I do think they should have risen to the occasion and been more supportive when they did find out, but if you were already at a Christmas-card-only level of friendship by then, they probably just didn't know how to rekindle a friendship and be super pillars of support at the same time. It's a big jump. The e-mail seems to make it clear that they regret not stepping up, and they realize that it was crappy to pull away from you at that time.

If your friendship was already on the way out, I don't know if you necessarily have to work on being best friends again (I mean, would you if it wasn't for this whole ordeal?) but I don't know that I'd hold this against them to the point of stifling any hopes for a future friendship that you may have had before this incident.

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D


Hermes

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I will respond letting them know that I made it all through fine, but not make it newsy, chatty, or open ended, i.e. suggestion to get together.

I don't want to shut the door on them for good, so I think the above response will be appropriate.

Thanks a lot, everyone, for your advice. I feel much better about how to feel/what to say.



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D


Hermes

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ugh... that was difficult to write.  I hope I didn't sound to passive aggressive with this:

"Hey there,

It's been a rough year, but I'm doing well.  Besides reconstructive surgery in February, I had major surgery in June and no additional cancer was found. As of right now, I'm cancer free, and hopeful I'll stay that way.

Hope all is well with both of you,
[D]"

it's sent now so there's no rewriting it anyway cry

I guess that's my way of saying I was going through some rough times and it would have been nice if you had been there for me without coming out and saying it.  I think the fact I responded expresses forgiveness.



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tina242


Kate Spade

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D I think you wrote the perfect response.  I think it gets the message across that you are acknowledging their letter and forgiving them, but don't exactly appreciate the way they just cut contact with you.
I agree with the other posters about the fact that a true friend should be there for you during good times and bad.  I am shocked that friends that close could react the way they did.  If you care about someone, I'd think you'd want to be supportive and not just withdraw...I could see how that could be hurtful.  


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Hermes

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I think you had a great response. If they want to pursue a friendship with you again, I think your initial response of "It hurt when you didn't contact me first, but I know people respond differently to these kinds of things. I forgive you and your email really meant a lot," would do the trick just fine. It's hard to do have these kinds of heart-to-hearts when you're doing it over the phone, so maybe next time you're in closer proximity, you could get together with her and get into it a bit more, if you want.

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blink


Coach

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Hi D, I think your response was good.  And thanks for this post, it's giving me a good reminder to keep up in good times and bad, plus some perspective on some sort of similar issues I have dealt with, from both sides.

Sometimes it's really hard for people to just get past that lump in their throats and make a long overdue phone call.  It's easy to procrastinate and tell ourselves that the person is probably very busy, very supported, surrounded by other new friends and isn't thinking about us or missing us anyway.  Then, something serious comes up and a long increment of time makes us freeze in fear of obviously having to also address the issue of the wayward friendship.  This is not my style, just my inclinations.  I am a procrastinator, but I am fairly confrontational and if you were my old friend and I found out you were dealing with cancer, I would have been relieved to have a reason to call and cry and spill my guts in apologies for not being in touch as well as prayers for your health...I hope that doesn't sound too self-centered!  Today, thanks to some internet searching, I am reconnected with all but one old friend I ever wanted to be re-connected with.

I wanted to add that since you brought it up, yes, I do think it is possible that they are intimidated by your academic and professional success.  It's not an excuse to avoid a long term friendship, but it's a reason.  I am very close to a girl who attained her masters degree during our 10 year friendship, she was already highly critical and sarcastic to others and now it's worse because she often brings up her accomplishments as evidence that she is smarter or more moral.  Our friendship is changing as I have realized that her intolerance of others, and my ever-growing tolerance, is making us grow apart and have less meaningful conversation.

One time I told this to another close friend who said to me at a bad time in my life, "I don't know what to say..."  I said, "just tell me it's going to be okay or whatever you like because I value your friendship and would love to just know that you are there."  I went on to explain that I speak that "language" too (the awkward language) and that such person can always trust that I will not overanalyze their words to me, as I trust that my close friends are providing me the same grace.

Bottom line, I think you can verbally express some forgiveness to the friends.  These friends sound like they have been good friends when they were around and have just not followed through on intentions.  One has to be a friend to make a friend.  They aren't so great at that part, but if you miss them at all, you can let them back in.

Sorry this is so long.  Your post really got me rambling about some things I was already thinking about.

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Chanel

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Some fear doing or saying the wrong thing so much they do and say nothing. For what it's worth, I think their email was quite honest and probably very difficult for them to write. A lot of people probably wouldn't have done even that much.

They're acknowledging that they behaved badly, they're apologetic, and I would take it at face value. Your response is excellent and leaves the door open for future communication.

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Marc Jacobs

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I agree with everyone else. It was brave of you to write that letter, too. I think it was the perfect response.

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