STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Frustrated w/an old friend

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

No advice really, but just wanted to say I can sympathize. I have a friend I've known since 3rd grade, and we kind of lost touch when I went away to college. But I made the effort to re-connect, and it was great to have her in my life again. But she asked me to be her maid of honor, and after I cut my trip to South America short, threw her a bridal shower, bought her a gift for her second bridal shower, my parents made her wedding cake, and I made myself available whenever she needed me, I never received even a thank you note. Or a verbal thank you. And my parents never received a thank you note for making her wedding cake. Anyway, I just felt like I was always the one making all the effort and doing all the giving in the friendship. Since the wedding in June I've heard from her twice, and I responded to her e-mails, but she has made no effort to get in touch with me outside of inviting me to one of the many candle/purse/beauty product parties she likes to throw.

Anywho, all that to say I know how it feels. It's hard, because I've known her forever and we've shared so much, and I still want her in my life. But she's so selfish, and doesn't seem to have the words thank you in her vocabulary.

emery · BCBG

I know it's hard to do, but I think you are right, if it is a friendship you value, you should talk to her. Try not to worry so much about what to say, just say what you feel in the most polite way possible. If she is a true friend she will understand how you are feeling and talk about it with you. If not, she will freak out, and you two won't be friends anymore- but it may come to that anyway if you don't say anything at all. Just my two cents

boobaby · Kate Spade

Wow! Is your friend my sister? I don't have any advice. I've been dealing with this kind of behavior my whole life and it is a challenge. I don't think you are being sensitive. In my case, it's always really petty things - a flippant comment about my apt or whatever, backing out of plans at the last minute, etc. and when I do say something, she's like "Quit being so sensitive! God, you are petty!" It's and endless cycle. I've often fantasized about writing a letter because I would never be able to get my whole point across in person.

joy0302 · Kate Spade

I think maybe you could try letting her know in a nice way that you don't appreciate the constant negativity. Maybe she will get the hint and change. If she takes it the wrong way though, it could end your friendship. If she continues to treat you bad your friendship will probably be over anyway so it is worth a shot.

I feel your pain because I had a friend like that a few years back. She was never positive about anything and constantly made me feel crappy about myself. What I learned, and what seems to be the case with your friend also is that she was just jealous. She made a lot of decisions that made things harder on herself and was envious of our other friends and I that we didn't have the same issues. Your friend would probably love to have your place, but since she doesn't she is going to try to put it down to where you don't enjoy it either.

Sometimes when you reunite things seem great, but then the reasons you stop talking to begin with start to creep back in. HTH!

NCshopper · Hermes

I had a friend like this that was one of my BFFs growing up. We had a lot of the same interests, goals, values, stuff like that, but she was always really really negative. She was always complaining about one thing or another, but would never actually do anything to improve her life or fix the things she was complaining about. I always felt like she was fun if she wasn't complaining or being negative, but it got to be so that the negativity just got in the way of everything and she just was a bore to hang out with. At that point, the friendship really just wasn't worth saving, unfortunately.

I'd suggest having a talk with her and letting her know that the negativity, even the small comments, really get you down and that you feel it's getting in the way of your friendship. If she can work on that, great, but if not, it might be time to reevaluate whether or not the friendship is worth it.

littlebean · Kate Spade

That stinks. I agree with the previous analysis that many of her comments probably stem from jealousy and insecurity -- about her apartment, her lack of job, etc. I think the best way forward is to say something to her the next time she makes a critical comment directed at you. It doesn't have to be a big "let's have a talk" sort of thing (at least initially). When she tells you that your great new apartment is small, just stop what you're doing and look at her and say, "Listen, I know it's not perfect, but I'm really excited about my new place and this is getting me down. Can we focus on the good right now to celebrate?" Sometimes just saying one thing like that can be a wake up call for the person about her behavior.

Suasoria · Chanel

I didn't respond to this originally because the last time I replied to a post like this, the member took offense because I related her experience to my own with a difficult friend, and what I decided to do about it ultimately.

The original poster and I smoothed it out, but I'm gun-shy about commenting on another situation with a close friend because of the old "I can talk about my friends, but YOU can't" feeling.

But I did want to pop in and ask if anything has changed or what, if anything, you decided to do, because I was thinking 'boutcha.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Thanks for following up... things are going better. I never had a final "confrontation" mostly because when I was at my boiling point we happened to have a really nice time that weekend, and I started noticing the nice things she does for me as well.

I don't think this is the end of it though but I do feel more confident that our friendship will withstand if I have to confront her about it.

subwolley · Kate Spade

Oh yeah, I have one of these "friends" as well. It's like they are in competition with you. And if something awesome happens to you, they find something negative about it. I would consider spending some time apart from her. Plus, you don't need that negativity from a friend.