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Metric · Gucci

2 wedding rants- long

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

(situation 2) There is usually something for people of any sort to do to prepare for a wedding. Think of your personality type, interests, and skills. What types of things do you enjoy and do well? Can anything be applied to wedding planning/preparing? Maybe there is something that needs to be done after the wedding for which you can be responsible. Maybe doing some brainstorming on little things you can do can help.

For example: instead of helping her plan and envision the weddingy stuff, maybe you can offer to help her with the duties that are a chore to her. I know when I was a b2b, I loved thinking about colors, music, flowers, dresses, etc., but I absolutely hated calling back and forth, dealing with vendor contracts, asking all the necessary questions, getting estimates, knowing how many tablecloths to get, and budgeting. I simply could not wrap my brain around that stuff. Offer to help her with the administrative things- - or what ever you can/like to do that she can't/doesn't want to. Don't let her rope you into doing too much though. You sound busy.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

Maybe for the BFF you could tell her that you aren't really the wedding-y planning type but that you would love to help her when it comes to the menu selection and put your food expertise to work.

sfclinevandy · Coach

Weddings can really suck. There's always so much drama surrounding them.

I'm so sorry about your brother's wedding situation. I'm sure you've already thought about it, but I would start now keeping an eye out for cheap tickets and travel bargains. Getting another job just for the wedding would be so annoying. I know when I need extra cash, I just clean out my closet and sell stuff on ebay. It might not help tons, but its worth looking into.

As for your BFF. From my personal experiences wedding planning... I think a lot of brides expect too much from their bridesmaids. It's really gotten ridiculous. As a bride, all I'm asking my bridesmaids to do is show up the day of, wear the dress, and smile pretty for pictures. That's it. Maybe you could suggest that other 2 girls that want to help be promoted to some sort of honor attendants and that might let you off the hook some. Or just tell her because you're so stressed, you might be better utilized the actual weekend of the wedding rather than now.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

Well, I think you know my opinion on the first situation already; that the whole idea of thier wedding in Hawaii is funky anyway...so...

...onto situation 2. The BFF should know you well enough already to know that you will, while are a whiz at planning, aren't so hot at wedding things. What about helping with music? DJ or playlists selections should be right up your alley, right?

sydney · Kate Spade

pollyjean23 wrote:
(situation 2) There is usually something for people of any sort to do to prepare for a wedding. Think of your personality type, interests, and skills. What types of things do you enjoy and do well? Can anything be applied to wedding planning/preparing? Maybe there is something that needs to be done after the wedding for which you can be responsible. Maybe doing some brainstorming on little things you can do can help.

For example: instead of helping her plan and envision the weddingy stuff, maybe you can offer to help her with the duties that are a chore to her. I know when I was a b2b, I loved thinking about colors, music, flowers, dresses, etc., but I absolutely hated calling back and forth, dealing with vendor contracts, asking all the necessary questions, getting estimates, knowing how many tablecloths to get, and budgeting. I simply could not wrap my brain around that stuff. Offer to help her with the administrative things- - or what ever you can/like to do that she can't/doesn't want to. Don't let her rope you into doing too much though. You sound busy.

Great suggestions!

HeatherLynn · Gucci

Something tells me the BFF just wants you to offer to help her. I am in a wedding in two weeks and when I offered to help (in the beginning) she was so thankful. I have offered several times since then. She has never taken me up on, but was just so thankful that someone actually offered and realized how big of a chore planning a wedding can be.

As far as the brother, I think it's unfortunate, but ultimately he is your brother and I can understand him wanting you to be there. Wedding days are ultimately selfish so no he is not thinking of you, as well he shouldn't be. Now if really and truly can't make it work (as in just aren't being difficult because you don't want to go and it would be a huge pain to make happen) then I think its reasonable to explain that and if your mother wants to pay then fine- let her. However, I think if it were me (and not fully knowing the background between you and your brother) I would try my best to be there- even though it will require being thrifty and planning a year in advance about the vacation. Maybe if you let work know super early they will be a little more understanding??

Good luck! I definitely understand weddings are frustrating. The wedding I am in 2 weeks from now has been very expensive for me (close to a $1000 and its not a destination wedding!!). I feel like she hasn't be considerate of others and does things I won't do, but ultimately it's her day and she asked me to be a part of it and if I didn't want to I should have said no and handled the repercussions. I think every wedding has downfalls unfortunately. =(

-- Edited by HeatherLynn at 23:50, 2007-10-16

littlebean · Kate Spade

This reminds me of why I dislike weddings sometimes! Doesn't it stink when all of your vacation days and spare money goes towards other peoples' weddings?! I agree with a lot of what has already been said.

On #1, I can relate. I have three weddings to go to over the course of one month in April 2007 and since they'll all involve plane flights and hotels (with one really pricey destination wedding), it will probably average $1000 per wedding. Believe me, this does not fit into my budget! I'm really fed up with it. (Rant over.) But ultimately, I can afford it -- it just means cutting back on a heck of a lot of things that I might like to have/do and then ebaying a bunch of other stuff -- and these people all mean something to me. If there's any way that you can plan to make your brother's wedding work through saving, selling, scrimping, etc., then do -- but if it means working multiple jobs and becoming miserable, it's fine to say no.

On #2, I love the idea of offering to help in some area that you would enjoy. If you live in the same place as your bff, it might even be nice to just tell her that you're taking her out to dinner (or pedicure or a movie or something) to catch up and relax due to wedding craziness. I'm sure that the small gesture would mean a lot to her.

Teresa · Kate Spade

geez. i am sorry. (hug!) i really dont know about the family situation, it sounds like your mom is maybe stressed? what has your brother said about it? As for your BFF I would do what FP said! good luck.

erin · Chanel

personally i think people who have destination weddings should realize that having a wedding like that makes it so not everyone can come. i am not super close to my siblings, but if this were them, i probably wouldn't go.

atlgirl · Gucci

Regarding your brother's wedding...it's *his* (and his wife's) wedding...I'm not sure I understand why you're so down on him for choosing Hawaii. Of course he wants his family there, if at all possible. I realize the timing and location may not be the most convenient for you, but again...it's *his* wedding.

Surely in a year you can save up or find (relatively) inexpensive tickets? I realize that overall it won't be an inexpensive trip, but maybe you can make it your "big travel" trip for next year. Start a separate savings account for it, if you want / need to. Instead of assuming your BF can't go, why not assume that you will both go and figure out a way to make that happen?

I would, however, tell your mom to back off! Whatever her issues are around this, they're HER issues, not yours. If she won't leave you alone about it, tell her any wedding-related discussion is off-limits. She can't have it both ways. Either she understands that you maybe can't afford to go, or she happily pays to help you get there. But if she pays, that doesn't give her the right to keep bitching about your situation. Where you live and where you work are your choices, not hers. It sounds like she needs to cut some apron strings and let you be an adult.

As for the BFF...you might not have been officially asked, but there clearly is an understanding that you are going to be one of her two BM's. That is a great honor and even if you're not all warm and fuzzy on weddings, I'm sure she would appreciate your being a little more involved. Wedding planning is incredibly crazy and frustrating at times, and I'm sure she would welcome you even just as a sounding board. Maybe you could ask her what she needs help with and make some time - everyone is busy with work, etc. - but surely you are not SO jam-packed that you don't have time for your friend? - to help with some small, specific tasks. And if you can't, you can't - and if she would "cut" you because of it, then that's pretty childish on her part.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Metric - I have always enjoyed your posts and POV. This particular post though, reads a little like "I can't be bothered" to make the efforts for either of these people. Maybe try flipping things a bit and looking at these as potentially positive experiences instead of negative ones. This is an exciting time for both your brother and your BFF and they clearly love you and would welcome your presence and invovement.

member · Hermes

First all all, I just want to say that if someone is having a destination wedding, they shouldn't expect anyone to come. Destination weddings get super pricey, especially to Hawaii, and attending a wedding already costs enough money, but then having to add travel is really asking a lot. Obviously it's his wedding, but that's just it - it's his day - he shouldn't assume everyone will be able to afford it. Nor should your mom. Obviously you want to be there on your brother's big day, but having to work a 2nd job just to be able to afford to attend is ridiculous IMO. Have you talked w/him about it?

As for your 2nd situation - I do agree that being asked to be a bridesmaid is an honor, but once again, you are also doing your friend a favor. I agree w/sfclinedandy - really all a bridesmaid should have to do is show up, wear the dress the bride wants and smile for pictures. Since when did becoming a bridesmaid become a job? Not everyone has time to dedicate to planning someone elses wedding. I hate to rant here, but this subject is one that really peeves me - I get really annoyed when brides expect their wedding parties to drop everything and make their wedding their whole world!

That being said, I'm standing up in a wedding next November. The bride is actually our very own Christine. Because she's a great friend, and I wanted to be a part of things, I flew to Boston to help her look for her dress, my bridesmaid dress and I will help her out in any way I can. But she certainly doesn't expect it. I think like the other girls said, maybe you could help out w/areas that interest you - helping her pick the dj or music, or the menu? I think it'd be really nice of you to get involved, but your friend shouldn't ditch you if you don't - it's not a job!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

My brother had a destination wedding in Hawaii too. He knew when they chose Hawaii that most of our family and his friends wouldn't be able to make the trip, but as his sister I knew it was never a question -- I was going. It differs from your situation in that my parents offered to pay for me and didn't guilt trip me about it. I don't think it's fair of your mom to be doing this -- do you think she's just extra stressed out already and that's why she reacted so negatively? It seems reasonable to me that they should help pay for your expenses, but that doesn't give them license to give you a hard time about it. Do you think you could save a little at a time over the next year and then have enough to pay for yourself, or even part, if your family helps pay? As annoying as it can be that you'll have to pay a lot for this and take up vacation time, hey, it's Hawaii! You'll have a pretty fabulous vacation.

And as for work, your boss should understand you're asking for time off for a major life event and not give you a hard time. I'm getting married next June and summer is a super busy time of year at my office, and my boss told me to not even think about that when planning for our honeymoon. Life is more important.

As for your second situation, I agree with sfclinevandy that all I expect from my bridesmaids is that they show up on time and smile on the wedding day. The only thing I want input on is their dresses. Maybe ask your friend out to lunch and talk to her about it. Talk to her about her feelings and emotions as she approaches this big change in her life and offer to help on things you feel comfortable doing, but only if you don't think you'll feel resentment later on.

-- Edited by scarlett at 20:16, 2007-10-19

Kelly · Hermes

I understand where you're coming from. I know that a wedding is "his" or "her" special day, but I think people get wrapped up in that fact and forget that they may be sentencing their most loved people to extra part-time jobs and a lot of misery. It would suck, but if I were in your position I probably just wouldn't go. I'm not sure it would be worth it, in the end. If my brother was getting married in Hawaii and I couldn't afford to go, I'd be heartbroken but I'm not sure that I'd pick up an extra job for it. I mean, why work hours and hours and be more and more stressed out for a year just because my brother wanted a pretty backdrop for his wedding?

And I have a beef when brides want their bridesmaids to help them plan the wedding, too. I don't think they should expect that of you.

This all stems from my person disdain for big and fancy weddings, however. I think a lot of people get too caught up in them and make them a lot bigger than they need to be, in turn stressing out themselves and everyone else too much when this is supposed to be a happy occasion.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I've been thinking about this one. And I can't really come up with an answer.

I don't know if you think this is right, but it it is almost like they never seem to be satisfied with what you do. And their arguments for why you should do what they want are coming across as 1) Intrusive and disrespectful of your rights 2) Impractical and kind of ridiculous on the face of it (maybe I'm missing something?)

Basically, I'm thinking that no matter what you do, the brother/mother team are going to tell you they want more. Because I think the point isn't that they are asking for something reasonable - if they were, a rational discussion would be more realistic. But I think they may just be trying to get you to do something, and they have realized that playing the "a-good-sister-would..." card has convinced you in the past. I suspect that if it didn't work this time, they would turn to something else. Maybe, "You are so mean." Or, "I will not talk to you because of what you have done." Or whatever. I don't think it really matters to them. Because I think they just want what they want. There's not really a logical base other than that.

And that's impossible to deal with. It sounds like you can either give them what they want or they will hassle you. There's no perfect argument that will allow for some Metric-is-right scenario. Because in their head, you're only "right" when you give them what they want. So until you've done that, you're going to be wrong and they're goign to say anything and you're going to be stuck having long conversations that make no sense.

jj · Kate Spade

I could be waaaaaay wrong, but it sounds like you don't like to disappoint people and really try to make everyone as happy as possible. They are great qualities to have, but make you want to jump off a bridge in situations like these weddings.

What do YOU want to do? Do you want to go to Hawaii or not? Do you want to help your friend, or do you think that whatever you do won't be enough? I recommend that you weigh all the factors, decide what you want, stick to it (that's the most important thing) and don't let anyone convince you that you are wrong.

We had to skip close friends' wedding this summer because we just couldn't make it happen financially. I felt awful at first, but then remembered the friends who couldn't make our destination wedding. I never made them feel guilty or bad about it - it is what it is.

Suasoria · Chanel

atlgirl wrote:

I would, however, tell your mom to back off! Whatever her issues are around this, they're HER issues, not yours. If she won't leave you alone about it, tell her any wedding-related discussion is off-limits. She can't have it both ways. Either she understands that you maybe can't afford to go, or she happily pays to help you get there. But if she pays, that doesn't give her the right to keep bitching about your situation. Where you live and where you work are your choices, not hers. It sounds like she needs to cut some apron strings and let you be an adult.

This is how I felt about it too when I read your post. Seems like your mother is making this more difficult and stressful than it already is. Personally I'd be crazy hurt and SUPER offended if I was told I should quit my job or should have moved to cheaper house in order to go to a wedding...but whatever, that's me. Also, going for a short trip versus a long trip is probably the best way to manage this since you're balancing work and finances. Maybe if you only spent two nights you and BF can both go?

Regarding the BFF, I might ask her if she really wants you to be in the wedding since you can't seem to make the time right now to do as much work as she needs you to do. This will at least let her know that she's asking you to do too much.

(Or give her the name of a good wedding planner...)

Sorry, all my advice seems really antagonistic and b--chy because I'm annoyed to think of you being treated like this!