STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

While those conversations can be terrifying, they're a good idea. And I agree, it shows your BF really takes the relationship seriously which is only a positive thing. My fiance and I had some conversations like that before we got engaged, and when I would get really nervous about them he'd always remind me that it was better to talk this stuff out before taking a serious step, instead of just avoiding it and then realizing you made a mistake later. And now watching my brother go through an awful divorce before turning 30, I understand it a lot better!

But I'd also say you can't look at everything purely "logically." People don't need to be exactly like each other for it to work out; the most important thing is having the love and respect and desire to make room for the other person's differences and not expecting them to change to please you (and it doesn't sound like you'd want him to change -- just sayin' as a general statement). FH used to worry about some differences in our background and that they'd make us impossible to work out, but we learned these wouldn't and shouldn't hold us back.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

I honestly have no idea. Overall, I think it's a good sign that you are discussing this. If he didn't want to move forward, but wanted to string you along, he'd avoid the topic. If he wanted to break up with you, it seems like this would be a weird way to do it. Like he wants it to be your idea or something? I don't know him though. And I've never heard of a guy doing this. So I can't get a good read on it either way. If you don't mind my asking, why did it give you a bad feeling?

I don't think there's ever bad jujus when two adults have open and honest communication. I will say you two probably have rather different communication styles, but if it's productive anyway, then that doesn't matter.

Actually I give him props for telling you he's not sure how he feels about commitment versus a guy who is 'telling you what you want to hear' - whether that's intentional or just because he doesn't want you to be upset.

Some things that would be more important to me are the priorities right now for this or any relationship and are they aligned, and what are you needing from each other and are you each getting it.

As far as your religious and political differences, they sound minor to me in the scheme of things. If one of you was raised orthodox Jewish and the other evangelical Christian, or if one of you was a socialist and the other libertarian, then yeah, it might be difficult (or at least spicy). But if you placed a high value on these belief systems, you wouldn't be likely to be attracted to someone who wouldn't share them.

"I sort of believe him."

I don't know about the rest of it. But that's a really good reason to back away from him right now.

"I'm not feeling as secure as I was two weeks ago, though, that's for sure"

That's another one.

Forget the potential ramifications of the conversation. What do you want, for yourself, right now?

1) Because he just made a huge production out of telling you that he is in the relationship right now but might not be in the future. That leaves you in a position where you supposed to act like you're in it, but also have to protect yourself because he is "making up his mind." And that seems unfair to expect of you.

2) So he's said what he wants, which is time to think about things, and for the relationship to continue as-is, but with the possibility clearly stated that it may end without a commitment, whenever he makes up his mind. And now it's your turn to say what you want. Whatever that is.

3) He has the right not to be sure. You're not sure, right? Hell, no one is ever sure. All we have is right now. And right now, he's telling you not to count on him being there forever. So, my heart is really hurting saying this, but please don't rely on him. I would pull back. Tell him you need space. Regroup and put yourself in a frame of mind where you are really, really good, and happy about a future without him. THEN let him back in.

4) Because, It does sound like the relationship is basically good. But right now, it doesn't sound like the situation makes you feel good at all. It has to change in order for the relationship to work, because if you're not truly happy, the relationship is going to suffer eventually anyway.

Does that make sense? This was really difficult to write, because I saw those two sentences and teared up just thinking about the situation. Relationships are so hard, even when it's two good people...

Dizzy - I hear you. I was feeling everything you were saying the first few days after everything went down.

And maybe I'm dumb but I'm willing to wait and see how it all works out. He obviously has to work out his committment issues (I have my own as well), and after all is said is done I'm glad he was open with me about his concerns instead of me being blind to the whole thing.

We had another "discussion" on this topic. I got mad at him about something (can't remember what now) and he suggested, rightly so, that my anger was based on the above conversation as opposed to what we were arguing about. He said he could tell I was angry and pissed off ever since we'd talked, even though I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it. Silly me.

I basically laid it all on the line, telling him I felt he was trying to find an easy way of ending our relationship or at least giving himself an out later on ("I told her how I was" - that kind of crap). I told him I was caught between being glad he thought about us as a serious long-term deal and that he wanted to discuss committment and what that meant, etc. now as a way of deciding where to go in the future. But at the same time I told him how I was feeling really assy about everything and felt myself pulling away, trying to protect myself just in case it didn't work out. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship that was going nowhere. Since then he's gone out of his way to show me that he's committed and that we're not going nowhere. Although he still hasn't worked out his issues, regarding marriage and what not, he's sure he wants to be with me now and doesn't foresee that changing.

All of this sounds lame when I write it out and maybe I'm lame. I don't want to stay in a relationship because I'm scared of being without it, but at the same time I don't want to leave a good relationship because I'm scared of getting hurt later on down the road. It's a hard balancing act. I think what all this has helped me realize is that a break up is not the end of the world. I can't be afraid of it, either way. I like me and I have a full life and if he's in it, it's better, but if he's not, it's still a good life to have.

I'm happy now and I don't think I'm deluding myself re: the future of our relationship. If it's meant to be, then it will be. If I get to a point where I'm unhappy and looking for more or looking for something different, I can make a new decision. Right now I'm happy (even happier than I was before we had the conversation, even though I didn't really realize it until I started writing this post). As for next year? Who can say? Maybe he'll be ready for something more, maybe I will, maybe neither will, or maybe it will be some weird combination. Until that day comes and while I'm happy with our relationship, I've decided to stick it out.

Thanks for everyone's advice. And Dizzy, if I wasn't okay with things, I'd end it, I promise. I'm not settling and I'm not being a hopeless romantic. I appreciate your honesty and advice. Trust me, I thought about all the things you said, for sure. But for now, it's worth it.

late to post, but i think you're in a good spot right now.

We never know. How can someone say they are going to stay committed when they are not ready for marriage? To me, on paper or not, that is exactly the definition of marriage (or being engaged.) I don't think it's an easy out. I think it's being honest.

For now, you are together. Later, you might still be. And for what it's worth, i think relationships need points like this where things are up in the air. It keeps things from getting stagnant and reminds you that love isn't easy, sometimes ends badly, but it's always still worth it. And you often end up with a stronger relationship afterwards.