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Post Info TOPIC: Not "looking for a relationship"
Karina


Chanel

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Not "looking for a relationship"
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I've been seeing this guy, S, for several months ... he is great.. super sweet, intelligent, funny, his friends love me, my friends love him, great job, is ambitious, basically the whole package... we were getting super close and i asked him what was up with him and i.  he said that he is not sure if he wants a girlfriend, he just wants to hang out with his friends.  i would never prohibit him from hanging with his friends, nor would i want to be with him 24-7 (i want my alone time, also).. he says he really, really likes and cares about me, but he is not really looking for anything serious.

i really REALLY like this guy, and i have feelings for him.. but i know i am setting myself up for failure here.  his friends tell me all the time how much he likes me and how he talks about me all the time.. but i know he is seeing other girls, and it drives me nuts.  i am also seeing other guys as well, but i am not emotionally vested with them as i am with S.  his friends have also told me that his last 2 girlfriends have totally f*cked with his head, and he is probably scared to get into another relationship.

im not really looking for advice here, just looking to vent i guess. :(

-- Edited by Karina at 19:06, 2007-09-11

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needsfashionadvice


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1209
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That sucks :( I know it would be sort of disappointing to here that. I think you're doing the right thing though, just continue to see him and date around as well. The time will come when either he'll want to be with you and only you or you'll find someone that you like more than S.

For what it's worth though, I've seen your pictures and WTH is he thinking? You're gorgeous! S needs to snatch you up before you move on to bigger and better things!

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D


Hermes

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RE: Not "looking for a relationship"
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I'm sorry things aren't going the way you would like them to.  I about to say things you don't want to hear, and I'm only saying them because I care about you and want you to be happy. And I know others will think I'm harsh, but I don't see the point in pussyfooting around -- I'd rather just cut to the chase and get to the point.

Listen to what he's telling you. He doesn't want a serious relationship with you. And having been around the block a few times, it's not due to his past wounds.  And sorry in advance for the old cliche`, but he's just not that into you. There's nothing wrong with you, and nothing wrong with him -- if he was into you, you'd know it and he wouldn't be telling you he doesn't want a serious relationship.

His actions and words speak volumes - listen to them - they're transparent.  If this works for you, then great - but don't expect him to change - take him or leave him for what he is and what he is serving up. 

If you're having a good time, and able to get past him dating others and not wanting a serious relationship with you, then that's OK - it's your choice. Do what makes you happy, and know that you are special and that he is lucky to spend time with you.



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Hermes

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I have to say, I agree w/D 100%.  She's right -listen to what he's telling you.  It's very clear.  He's probably not going to change either.  He says he doesn't want a serious relationship w/you - he probably doesn't and chances are, he won't change his mind.  D's right - it doesn't mean there's anything wrong w/you - there's not.  I don't want to see you get hurt either.  I've put myself in this situation in the past, where a guy has told me, I don't want anything serious - just want to have fun...I hoped they would change their mind, or figured they would once we got closer, but it never happened and I ended up getting attached, and therefore hurt.

If you can handle what he wants, then have fun w/him, but it sounds to me like you're already emotionally invested.  Good luck!

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XtinaStyles


Marc Jacobs

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I agree as well. Everything was understandable until you mentioned he and you were dating other people. If he doesn't want to stop dating other people, whats the point? I don't think you guys should have gotten "super close" without knowing where you stand or having exclusivity. 

When I was first with my bf and I asked the "what are we" age old question and he answered typically "I dont want a girlfriend I dont have the time blah blah". I enjoyed my time with him though, and kept seeing him, and about a month later we were a couple and he was calling me his "girlfriend." I think some men are scared by the title and associate it with their past girlfriends. However, in that time we were not seeing other people. I think it can be dangerous if you keep falling for him and maybe he will still stay as he is, not wanting to commit. 

BTW whats up with all these men who want their cake and eat it too?  They want someone who is stable who will listen to their problems, who they can bring home to mom, who they can walk on their arm and show off to friends, but they want to see other people, not have a girlfriend and not have feelings.

-- Edited by XtinaStyles at 17:14, 2007-09-12

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Vanessa


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1200
Date:
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I was in a similar situation a few months ago.  I was seeing someone I liked quite a bit but we were on different planes.
He wanted to take things really slowly and had just come out of a bad relationship, etc. etc.  I was ok with it for a while but one day about a month after I posted here for opinions we had a conversation where he made it clear he wasn't looking for a serious relationship. 
So I decided to let things go.  I was starting to get tired of being in limbo and I was afraid of getting hurt.  I met someone new and now am in a great exclusive relationship. 
I don't blame him at all - I don't think there is anything wrong with him for not wanting a relationship.  I just didn't want what he wanted, so I moved on.  Who knows if the timing had been different how things would've turned out, but the bottom line is the timing was wrong then, and I'm way better off now. 
Good luck whatever you decide to do :)

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littlebean


Kate Spade

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needsfashionadvice wrote:

That sucks :( I know it would be sort of disappointing to here that. I think you're doing the right thing though, just continue to see him and date around as well. The time will come when either he'll want to be with you and only you or you'll find someone that you like more than S.

For what it's worth though, I've seen your pictures and WTH is he thinking? You're gorgeous! S needs to snatch you up before you move on to bigger and better things!





I agree with this. You should listen to what he's telling you -- and it seems like you are. But as long as you're comfortable with the way things are going and you're seeing other people, too, it sounds like things will work out one way or another. I'm sorry that things aren't the way you'd like them to be.

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