STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Finances + Relationship = Bad

lynnie · Chanel

Maybe i'm not understanding, but if its all "our money" then what difference does it make if you both split current rent, and both contribute to savings for a house? It sounds like he's just in an ideal situation if you ever break up, with lots of savings and you with nothing. The fact that he's suggesting this set-up when he makes 20K more than you just infuriates me, actually.

littlebean · Kate Spade

I agree with Lynnie -- I think it would be much safer for you to both split the current rent and to both save for a house (which you could do in a joint savings account, but you should still have your own, separate personal savings account that you put money into). If you don't feel like being a homeowner in two years, then that seems perfectly reasonable and he should listen to you and you can agree to both save a smaller amount for the house each month accordingly. What he's proposing seems like a dangerous situation. If you can't afford to split the rent 50/50, or to save 50/50, then you could work out an alternative arrangement (60/40, 70/30, etc.) where you are both committing what you can to your current life and future together, but in a way that is clear and allows you to budget accordingly.

You might want to read the book "Shacking Up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned" and consider signing a cohabitation agreement.

Deuce · Dooney & Bourke

I really think you need to split the bills and each budget an amount that you can afford to put in a savings account that is realistic and you can add more if you have it but can also live normally. If you make a commitment to the amount you can save and set up an auto save feature to a savings or a CD that cannot be withdrawn from you are guaranteed that you are both contributing to saving for the house. I do not want to bring up bad scenarios but what happens if you pay everything now and he saves everything and you split for some reason. All of the sudden you have nothing to show and he has a fat little savings account. This is just my opinion but I also think that it not the best idea to plan on saving all of your money when either of you has outstanding debt. Once that is paid off you will really be able to save and not be paying interest. Generally you are paying much more interst than you are earning from a savings. I do think a savings is important to fall back on. I would just pay off the debt at a faster rate and save a bit less.

dangergirl · Kate Spade

lynnie wrote:
It sounds like he's just in an ideal situation if you ever break up, with lots of savings and you with nothing.

this is what I was thinking as I read your post. It shouldn't make any difference to him if you both save half the amount and pay half the bills - you still end up with the same amounts but it's fairer to you

NCshopper · Hermes

Please be careful in this situation. Because you're not married, you have no legal protection if the relationship ends and you're left with nothing. He may not be intentionally trying to screw you, but if you break up with the finances set up as he suggests, then you're screwed. You may want to see if you can have a lawyer draw up an agreement between the two of you, if that's possible (I'm not sure if it is or not, but it's worth looking into.) Also, I would suggest you both keep separate savings accounts. Divide up the finances and each of you put the amount you save into your own savings.

Good luck!

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Thats what I was thinking. If something happens to him his "next of kin" would get the money, not me, and if we break up, its his to keep. He insists that we would get join acounts and the house would be in my name as well. I don't know if this helps my protection or what.

I am going to stick to my grounds. I like being my whole person, I like having my own debit card. I like managing my bills. I was just questioning whether I was crazy and if other people have done this in the past.

When I look at it from afar it seems like he could potentially screw me over really badly, but I don't think those are his intentions. I think he is really seeing it as "ITS THIS WAY OR IT WON'T WORK". I am definately going to get that book you suggested, littlebean.

As a matter of fact, this morning I got a call from a creditor trying to settle an account at 60% off, I need to be able to clear these accounts without worrying that I will not be able to eat dinner. Thanks for listening girls and if anyone has any more suggestions throw them my way!

member · Hermes

I don't know you or your boyfriend, obviously, but what you wrote really raises red flags to me. First of all, it really infuriates me that your boyfriend has this "it's my way or the highway" type of attitude. Living together is all about compromise. He doesn't seem willing to do that at all and that raises a huge concern for me.

I also thing it's horribly selfish and rude of him to ask you to pay for everything and he'll put all of his money into savings for a house. Like NCShopper said, you aren't married, and god forbid you break up - you'll have nothing and he'll have all the money and the potential for a house. Please be careful. I don't like that he seems controlling when it comes to this issue and also that he seems fine w/living off of his girlfriend who is making a lot less $ than him and obviously struggling to pay her own bills. That's not fair.

I'm not trying to judge him or your situation w/him, I'm just concerned for you. I have lived w/my boyfriend for 3.5 years, and we make it work by splitting all of our bills 50/50. We have a joint savings account (I also have my own seperate savings, as does he) that we both contribute to for our future.

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh - it seems you have your head on straight about it all - just don't let him take advantage of you -I'd hate to see you get burned.

subwolley · Kate Spade

The best way to deal with finances in a relationship is to split everything down the middle and have SEPERATE checking and savings accounts. DON'T EVER put yourself in a situation like you explained. If your bf doesn't like, he'll have to deal with it.

Kelly · Hermes

I agree with everyone - I don't care if I'm *engaged* to someone, I wouldn't agree to a situation like that unless I was married to the person. Like you said, completely outside of your relationship having the potential to last or not, if something happens to him, you'll be left with zilch. I don't like that he's trying to force you into this - why can't you split bills and both save? What's so radical about that? You could save the same amount of money, but just split both. Plus, his reasoning for why you can't switch the situation is pretty ridiculous. You won't save as much? WTF? There is no rule that says you have to completely save or completely spend your salaries. You could always live below the means of his salary and he could save a percentage for a house while you saved all of yours for a house. I'm not advocating that, either, because then *he* wouldn't be protected in case something should happen to you. But I'm just saying that there's a severe lack of logic here.

-- Edited by ttara123 at 10:56, 2007-08-16

ILoveChoo · Hermes

IMO, mixing money like that without being legally tied to the person is a bad idea. And his idea is rediculous- I'm sure he isn't trying to screw you over, but the only person that can possible get hurt in that situation is you. Even if you decide you want to save that much, you should do it out of both of your salaries and in your own accounts (ie. he pays half the bills then puts x amount into the house fund, you do the same, and then what's left is yours to do with as you please.)

blubirde · Chanel

I agree with everyone else. Split everything 50/50 and get separate saving accounts. If you both want to save for a house, agree how much (I'd go percentage, so it's fair to each person making more or less) and have it automatically withdrawn from your paycheck every month. If either would like to contribute more or is able to contribute more at some point, great.

As much as I hate to say it, men just don't see money the same way women do. When we're in a relationship, it's absolutely essential for us to have our own financial means. He may think he's trying to be nice by saying his money is "our" money, but he obviously doesn't understand how frustrating and impotent lack of money can make a person feel, especially a woman.

I think you're right to fight for your side. Just remember that compromise is key. You know you have a good compromise when neither party is completely happy.

Suasoria · Chanel

The way we did this when we first moved in together was open a joint checking account. We both deposited our paychecks into this account and paid all our household bills out of it - groceries, rent, utilities, cat food, you name it. We both had debt (student loans for me and credit card for him) so we also paid those jointly.

We also kept separate accounts, so we could "pay ourselves" out of whatever was left over from bills and such if we felt like it. Ultimately this ended up being a bit too confusing and we basically kept our money pooled.

Another way to do this you each deposit your money into your accounts and then write a check to a household account at whatever amount you decide. If your total bills per month are $2000, you can each contribute $1000 or split it 60/40, or however you feel like doing it.

I'm interested in how he proposes saving for a house, which I think is a good idea for someone of any age - being 25 isn't really a factor. With an interest-bearing checking account, you can $ earn on whatever you don't spend. It certainly isn't as sexy as CDs or whatever else he may have in mind, but it sort of negates the argument. Whatever you don't spend is saved, period. It doesn't have to be that complicated.

Also, Deuce is 100% right about paying off debt being a better goal for now. If you have credit/debt problems you won't qualify for the mortgage of your dreams, so that has to be taken care of before a house is even an option. He may not realize that yet, so perhaps you should remind him.

I guess I should close by saying that after 12+ years together, my husband and I still have some differing opionons on money. He prefers to have a lot in the bank because he feels safe that way. I prefer to hammer away at our debt with every spare penny because I hate "the Man" breathing down my neck. (We have debt again because of a recent remodel/addition to the house.)

Usually we meet in the middle - we try to keep a sizable liquid cushion in the bank and then at times I write giant checks to pay down chunks of debt, and my gawd does that feel good!

subwolley · Kate Spade

I think having seperate checking and saving accounts is the only way to go, even if you are married. It's not hard to figure out what your expenses are and what's fair regarding paying the bills. I would NEVER combine my money with my significant other into a joint account. I'm sorry, it may work for some, but I wouldn't do it. After bills are paid and food is bought, my money is my money and vise versa. I know what I owe towards the bills, but I want to know exactly where the rest of my money goes.

NCshopper · Hermes

I also want to add one other thing: please, please, PLEASE don't move in together until this is sorted out and you've come to a mutually acceptable agreement. Money issues are extremely tricky and you need to start off on the right foot together.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I agree with everyone else -- his plan is unfair and doesn't make sense, and puts you in a very bad position. And it also raises red flags with me. I'm not saying he's trying to screw you over, but his idea is entirely for his own benefit and would put you in a very tenuous position. Please make sure you work this out before you move in together.

I moved in with my fiance (then boyfriend) this past December. We're a little unusual in that I actually make more than he does (twice as much), which sometimes makes him feel a little embarrassed. We share rent and bills but I do pay more than he does, which I am 100% okay with. He has student loans to pay down and I want to see him focus on getting rid of it as quickly as possible for the good of our future together. But he still pitches in with his share and it feels fair and equitable.