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janey831


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1064
Date:
Heartache
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I'm not exactly looking for advice, or maybe I am..I just know I need to get this out.

So exactly one month ago, my boyfriend and I got in a huge fight.  We have been fighting on and off for a few months now.  I don't even know what we fought about, I just know that is was insignificant.  It was a pretty bad fight, I'm almost too embarassed to even think about it. 

Since then, I have tried to talk to him.  I SHOULD have listened when he told me that he needed to be alone for a little bit and that he needed some space.  But I didn't.  I just wanted to resolve things and move on--especially since I had time to reflect on my behavior and to really think about the reasons why I thought I was acting the way I was.

Some background on our relationship:  We've been together for just about two years, and its been hard from the start.  My parents absolutley hate him, which to some people might not matter so much, but coming from an Asian family, it mattered to me a lot.  I felt guilty and the pressure from my mom became too much.  She didn't like the fact that he did not go to college or the fact that he was a sushi chef.  I shouldn't have let her opinions bother me, but I let it fester until I took out my frustrations on my boyfriend.  On top of that, my mom found out that I had an abortion, and it only made her hate him even more.

Boyfriend has also been stressed out lately, as he has decided to pursue sushi full time and dedicate all his time to it.  He feels an incredible amount of stress from work, in trying to get his life in order, in getting a career started. 

So, now because of all the fighting we have been doing (at least a handful of which have been REALLY  bad), he isn't sure that he is "in love with me enough to be with me forever".  He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants and that he needs time to think.  That he will always have love for me, but needs to clear his head. 

So, now I have no choice but to give him this time and it really sucks because I am stuck in this limbo.  Space can be a good thing, right?  I guess I just need some comfroting words...because I'm starting to lose faith.

:(

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brazilian


Dooney & Bourke

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Posts: 739
Date:
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I think you should give him time to think things over. I know it will be hard. But, wouldnt you rather know whatever it is now, than later? My bf and I went on a "break". It was really hard for me. I felt he wasnt sure if he wanted to be with me or not. He just needed time to really think about things, and know what he wanted. Well our "break" only lasted 3 days. I really thought it was going to be longer.

Hopefully once he has time to himself, he will realize that he does want to be with you, no matter what. But, if thats not what he wants, you should be glad that you found out now.

He will be grateful for your understanding.



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member


Hermes

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Posts: 6944
Date:
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First of all, (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I've been through breaks before w/previous boyfriends and I remember one in particular.  It was sooo hard to give him the space he needed and I just couldn't do it, because it made me so sad to be apart from him, but by not giving him his space, I only pushed him away more.  So my advice is to just give him some time, and let him think.  Chances are, he'll realize how great you are and how much he loves you and come back.  You know what they say - abscence makes the heart grow fonder.  Good luck - I really feel for you.

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blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
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I agree with brazillian that it's better now than later - no matter the result. The bad apart about "breaks" is that it's usually one person who really wants the break, not both. I think the best thing you can do is to use the break to reflect on what you want out of the relationship, how you'll do things differently if you get back together, and worst case, how you'll cope if you don't.

If he really is as stressed as you say, most likely he just needs the time to focus on something he can control (i.e. his job). Once that stress gets under control, he can think about whether he's better with or without you. Ugh - why do boys have to think??

I feel for you. Try to occupy your time as best as you can (easier said that done) and focus on you during this time. You need to do that, no matter how things work out in the end.

Good luck, janey.

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Suasoria


Chanel

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Posts: 3120
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There seems to be a pattern with these types of things - one partner pulls away and the other wants to draw closer, which makes person A pull away even further, which makes person B want to draw even closer. I know therapists have a term for this (and it is not "pushme/pullyou.")

It's good that you're allowing him this time...it's the right thing for you to be doing. Hopefully he notices and appreciates it, and it deepens his feelings for you because he sees that you're considerate of what he needs right now.

I've heard that the road to becoming a sushi chef (they're artists, really) is hard and time consuming and he'll have to be really focused and dedicated. It will be a lot of pressure on your relationship...one guy I met studied for four years before they'd let him even cut a piece of fish!

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janey831


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1064
Date:
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Thanks for the advice guys!   I am so bad at "space".  I guess I am going to have to give it a go and see where that takes me.  I'll let you guys know what happens, although it's not looking good.

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