STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Moving in... a long one

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

XtinaStyles wrote:

I brought it up and he mentioned to me that he was worried that moving in was a big step and that alot of people break up once they move in. . I started crying on the phone with him and he became angry with me... He said nothing has changed. I will still move in when my mom gets a place. He doesn't seem happy about it though.

I am so sorry this must be hard on you. My suggestion would be to listen to what he is saying. You asked him directly , and he told you what he felt. From what he said, it doesnt sound like he is actually ready for this step when faced with the realness of the situation. Its easy to say "its going to be great WHEN we live together, get married etc" But actually doing it is another matter.
Try talking to him again, maybe he isnt ready for this. Dont push to hard, if you do you will only push him away.

Best wishes :) I hope it gets better!

blubirde · Chanel

How long have you two been dating? When, in the course of dating, did the moving in together talk start? How often would you discuss it before he moved into his current apartment?

It could be many things. It could be that the "honeymoon" phase is over, which is completely normal, imo. It could be that the reality of moving in together is hitting him harder than he thought it would, also normal. If it's this one, I don't think it means he loves you less. If he's really not ready to move in yet, even though you already talked about it and thought you were both on the same page, he might just be acting this way because he doesn't know how to tell you it's too soon for him. If that's the case, and you both decided to wait on the moving in thing, I wouldn't be surprised if it goes back to being all happy, happy, joy, joy. He may think that telling you he's unsure would end things with you, something he doesn't want.

There are so many different things it could be. Maybe he got made when you were crying because he thinks telling you his feelings is going to hurt you, and you crying is just proving that to him. (I'm not advocating not crying, I'm just trying to get in a boy's head - always tricky.)

If I were you, I'd talk to him openly and honestly and tell him that yeah, it will hurt your feelings if he changes his mind, but it would hurt you more to lose him over something that can wait until you're both ready or to destroy a relationship by jumping into things too soon. Perhaps if you tell him he's more important than moving in together (he should know but boys are dumb), it'll reassure him enough to tell you what's really on his mind.

littlebean · Kate Spade

I'm sorry! I agree with AllieGurl's comments. I think that I've been in your boyfriend's position before -- my boyfriend and I have always day-dreamed about moving in together someday, but when I was faced with the possibility of moving in together imminently, I got really nervous and realized that I wasn't ready yet (even though we had been dating for three years). I was still 100% committed to the relationship, though, and so we decided not to move in together and things were totally fine afterwards. I would just listen to what he's saying and perhaps look into alternative arrangements if he's not ready. Good luck!

-- Edited by littlebean at 14:40, 2007-05-22

monica · Kenneth Cole

xtina - i've been through a lot of what you're going - so feel free to pm me if you need to vent, etc.

i've been reading this book that's opened my eyes to a lot of situations in my relationship - it's called 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' by mira kirshenbaum (sp?) anyway, it was recommended to me by my friend who is a therapist and so far it's been a truly eye-opening book - it doesn't tell you what to do. it just asks you questions that will help you see the truth in your relationship.

i'm really sorry that you're going through all of this - but you're not alone. pick up the book; i think it might help.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

We are together for about 2 1/2 years. We started talking about it probably a year ago.

It just seems so weird how things have turned around so quickly. We shopped together for home decor. I bought alot of the items, bedding, sheets, bathroom stuff, kitchen stuff. Its kind of weird to think that I bought crap for an apartment than I may never live in.

I spoke to him tonight.. everything seemed normal, the conversation is the same. Yet I know its still different.

I am a little embarrassed to say that I booked an appt for Thurs with my therapist bc I really think this will either make or break our relationship...

kittenheels · Coach

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Don't feel embarrassed to discuss it with your therapist - it's a very stressful situation, and their neutral view could be very helpful. I also thought Alliegrrl's advice was right on. I hope it works out for you!

Suasoria · Chanel

I would say there's a good chance that he's as confused by his feelings as you are if not more so. This is a big step to take even after 2 or 3 years, and he's probably entitled to some healthy fear.

Like AllieGurl said, I'd cut him some slack. You're also going through a helluva lot right now so you may be wanting more support from him, even if you're not consciously aware of it, and here he is giving you less.

Hopefully the therapist can give you some good communication tips too as well as fodder for future conversations. I've found after 12 years that everything going on in my relationship, major or minor, can either be improved or worsened through communication. Good communication can make even a major problem better. Bad communication makes even a minor problem seem huge. Your nerves are probably frayed with everything going on, so the communication between you two probably isn't at its highest and best!!